Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

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Study Suggests Movie Theatre Butter Can Make Men Sterile, Impotent

AUSTIN, Texas – 

A worrying new study will have hordes of men staying away from popcorn at the movies. The startling research reports that the butter used by cinemas around America has the potential to make men sterile, and even impotent altogether. Apparently due to the chemical, PEW, the snack causes hormonal chaos, with testosterone among the major losses.

“We found this information due to a previous study in which the testicles of male rats fell off after the input of copious amounts of PEW,” said head researcher Peter Darren. “Immediately, we drew up a list of all edible products which might use the chemical. Popcorn butter was the only one with significant amounts.”

The researchers then did a longitudinal study, remarkably over only two years.

“Already in two years we saw the consequences of popcorn butter. 200 normal, adult males participated. 100 of them stayed away from popcorn for the period of time. The other 100 ate what would constitute a regular measure of the product.”

Out of the 100 who ate the popcorn, 15 were found to have low sperm counts, and 3 were completely impotent.

“18% is a shocking proportion, especially since movie popcorn is so heavily and widely consumed. It means almost a fifth of our population could be sterile or worse. That might explain the lower-than-expected population growth over the past few decades.”

The Independent Cinema Foundation (ICF) initially released a press statement refuting the claims made by the study.

“There is absolutely no need to panic,” it read. “We would not put our customers at risk were there even the slightest indication of harm. The reported study is being looked into, but at the moment it looks like one big hoax.”

Three hours later, however, and members of the ICF were already jumping ship.

“We’re totally fucked,” said former head of operations, Jonah Maddox. “This will be the financial ruin of us, as well as our moral downfall. We’ve been causing all this damage to so many innocent Americans, there’s nothing left for us to do but throw ourselves to the sharks.”

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