Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

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Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater
The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.

 

 

Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

BOSTON, Massachusetts –  Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero.  The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it.  But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes.  Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali.  “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress.  “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore.  She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

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That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch.  “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,”  Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark.  “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next.  “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her.  So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing.  So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat!  So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe.  I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath.  “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke.  “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved.  “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened.  They made me employee of the month the first day I was there!  It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”

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