Over-Filled House Collapses, Traps Hoarder Inside

Over-Filled House Collapses, Traps Hoarder Inside

CANISTEO, New York – 

Tim Barker, 55 was found crushed to death, in what was the living room of his two-story home. Two tons of wrestling memorabilia, ceramic kittens, cans of green beans, National Geographic magazines, bags of human feces, and other pieces of garbage were removed in attempt to rescue the man, who they believed to be trapped inside. More than 48 hours after neighbor’s reported the collapse, Barker’s body was found on his couch.

The coroner’s report says Barker was likely killed instantly, when the debris initially struck him.

Local housing code enforces says they did not know the structure had such extensive damage, it would’ve been condemned.

“Two years ago we received complaints about junk in the yard which Mr. Barker’s family promptly cleaned up. The first floor of the house was uncluttered, so there appeared to be no need for further inspection…

“We believe this year’s record snowfalls may have contributed to the collapse, stressing the structure past its capacity. There was so much junk up there, it’s a wonder this didn’t happen sooner.”

Local Jillian Beaudoin says, “This is a small town and nothing much ever happens. If anything we’re for that ‘living sign,’ but some trees planted to say Canisteo doesn’t attract many tourists.

“Now people are actually coming out here to take selfies in front of the house that caved in. It’s messed up how morbid people can be.”

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

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