President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

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President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Other Celebs

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Others

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Louise Ballinger, a 49-year-old single woman who lives in an apartment in the building next door to The Peterson House, best known as the place President Abraham Lincoln was taken on April 15, 1865 and later died in after being shot at Ford’s Theatre just across the street, says that she is haunted every single night by the ghost of Lincoln, and that he tells her to do awful things.

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“I consider myself a medium, and I choose to stay in touch with the deceased, which is why I moved as close as possible to the Peterson House in hopes of making contact with Abraham Lincoln,” Ballinger told Rochelle Pappas, a reporter from the Washington Daily Times. “Low and behold, I made contact with him and he began speaking to me every single night just before I go to sleep. But things took a terrifying turn when he started telling to kill various celebrities.”

It seems that good ole President Lincoln has beef with Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. “The thing I hear more than anything is ‘Kill Justin Bieber, kill him dead. The Beebs must go.'” Ballinger insisted. “Every now and then, he will name other celebs like Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace. He really can’t stand Nancy Grace! Then again, who can?” the self proclaimed paranormal translation expert said.

Ballinger’s friends, family, and neighbors all believe she has gone mad, all except her 26-year-old son Patrick.

“People say my mom is crazy, yo but for real check it …I’ve seen old dude creepin’ up the hall in the middle of the night, ya know what I’m sayin? It ain’t no reflection or some whacked out shit like that, ya know what I mean? Shit’s for real, my dawg. Believe that,” he said.

Man Faces Jail Time After Hanging Obama Prop From Tree In Front Yard

Man Faces Jail Time After Hanging Obama Prop From Tree In Front Yard

 

CARYVILLE, Tenneesee – 

A Caryville, Tenneesee man is in hot water after hanging a life-size look-alike prop of President Barack Obama from a tree in his front yard.

Clyde Harrison Jones, 58, faces several charges including threatening the life of the President of the United States and various hate crimes. Jones was arrested by FBI agents after being informed of the incident by the Caryville Police Department. Caryville police had received several complaints from neighbors and passers-by for over a month, and had done apparently nothing to resolve the issue. Caryville police chief, Gary Monroe, said that he did not know what to do about the issue.

“Well hell, I just didn’t know how to approach Mr. Jones about it. He is a damn good friend of mine. What was I supposed to do? Ask him to take it down? I thought it was pretty damn funny really,” Monroe said. “This is supposed to be a free country, and as long as you keep your mouth shut, you should be able to do anything you want. I mean shit. So, I called the FBI and asked for advice, I told them he had hung a fake body that looked like the President from a tree, and you would have thought he actually did hang the president the way they stormed into town.”

The FBI says that the dummy, which was wearing a Halloween mask, intentionally resembled the likeness of the president, which can be taken as a threat not covered by free speech. Jones says he meant no harm by what he called “a prank,” and hopes that the case will be dismissed.

“I don’t hate the president – well, I don’t hate him because he’s black. For crying out loud, it’s not a hate crime,” said Jones. “Hell, it’s not a crime at all. But they’re all saying it’s a threat on his life. Phooey. If I was threatening his life, I’d buy a rifle and a book depository or something, not hang a dummy in my tree.”

Jones faces a possibility of several months in jail and a $10,000 fine.

Brother Of Osama bin Laden To Run For President Of The United States In 2016

LOS ALTOS HILLS, California – shafiqbinladen

Shafig bin Laden, the 57-year-old half-brother of Osama bin Laden, who was born in Hawaii, has announced that he will be running for President of the United States in 2016.

The younger bin Laden, inspired by meeting George W. Bush back in 2001 when Bush told him he had a “strong personality,” says he knows it will be quite difficult to gain the trust of Americans because of name, but that he can be very persuasive.

“I truly believe the American people will learn to accept me and my ideas into their collective hearts,” bin Laden said in a statement released by the Associated Press. “Focus not on my last name, but on the individual that I am. I am nothing like my half-brother. I am an American, I believe in America, something he never accepted.”

The native of Hawaii, who carefully and cautiously refrained from saying his brother’s first name, went on to describe the relationship between the two saying that his “older brother” would pick on him as a teenager for being born in the United States.

“A lot of the hatred he had in his heart for America was because of me. It made him feel inferior and we never got along. He resented that I was from the great U.S. of A,” bin Laden said. “I am my own person, I have my own agenda for the greater good of this beautiful country. Open your hearts, open your guarded minds, please do not prevent the sun from its glorious shine.”

George W. Bush, who is a close personal friend of bin Laden’s, said that he hopes that America will see past the name, and look to the man himself.

“If America could handle me running the White House, then by golly how could they not handle bin Laden?” asked the former president. “He may not look American, but I can surely promise you he’s as proud of this country as anyone. Yes sir, he’s as American as shit on the hooves.”

Bin Laden, who expects a lot of negative feedback, says he will not give up on his quest and that if the people of the United States will not accept him in 2016, he will then seek a seat somewhere in the U.S. Government. “In America we say ‘Go Big or Go Home’, well this is my home, but I must go big anyway. If at first I do not succeed, then I will stand back up and try again and again. America is the land of second chances.”

 

 

Dying Man Confesses He Was Grassy Knoll Sniper Who Assassinated John F. Kennedy

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – Dying Man Confesses He Was Grassy Knoll Sniper Who Assasinated John F. Kennedy

Charles Ray Peterson, 81, made a shocking confession to family members yesterday as they had gathered to be by his side during his last hours at River Oaks Hospital in New Orleans. Peterson, a native of New Orleans, told his son, Harold Peterson, that he wanted him to gather the family before he was gone. What he told them has left the entire family in absolute disbelief.

“First he told us that he was in Dallas the day that JFK was assassinated, and that he was there when it happened. It was really odd because he had never ever mentioned that he was there that day to anyone after talking about it all these years,” Harold Peterson said. “He looked up and said, ‘It was me! I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll!”

Ever since President John F. Kennedy was shot to death on November 22, 1963, conspiracy theories have circulated about his death and the circumstances of the assassination. Many believed that Lee Harvey Oswald was set up for the killing, and that based on the trajectory in which President Kennedy was hit, the kill shot could not have come from the seventh floor of the Book Depository located in Dealey Plaza.

Curiously, several witnesses died within just a few short years of the assassination from various ‘untimely accidents,’ such as Lee Bower, who was working directly across from the grassy knoll when the shots were fired. Bower had said in a 1966 television interview that he had seen a flash and a puff of smoke behind a wooden fence just behind the grassy knoll. Just months later, Bowers died in a single car accident.

Harold Peterson said his father confessed to being the man behind the picket fence, and it was he who landed the kill shot, not Oswald.

“He wanted to clear the name of Lee Harvey Oswald. He told us that Oswald was innocent and had been set up because he had owed a lot of money to someone with power. Dad did not mention who else was behind it,” Peterson said. “To be honest, at first we thought he was just talking crazy from the meds he was on, or maybe playing one last joke, because that’s how my dad was, but then when he wept, I knew it was true. My dad killed JFK!”

Charles Ray Peterson passed away peacefully just after sharing the news with his family. He had been hospitalized during his final weeks while suffering from adrenal cancer.

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