Royal Baby Princess Charlotte Plotting Death Of Those First in Line for the Throne

LONDON, England –

The Royal Baby was finally born days after the original due date, and she is already plotting the death of those first in line for the throne. Prince William and Duchess Kate’s second child is fourth in line, behind her grandfather, father, and brother, and she reportedly will not leave her ascension to the crown to chance.

“She’s a real darling, and has been born with all the classic aspects of royalty,” said royal analyst Priscilla Hendler. “She’s ready to lead a life devoid of all meaning and commitment to a monarchy with no power, and she’s ready to shed blood to lead that monarchy.”

The princess is expected to kill all of her competitors by the time she reaches age twelve, when she will be of age to take the throne.

Bookmakers have been scrambling to decide on odds of who will be killed first. Prince George, the little princess’s brother, is odds on at 2:1, being the closest in proximity and easiest to play off as an accident. Next up is Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, the princess’s father at 5:2. Charles, Prince of Wales, is next up at 33:4, since he is expected to forgo the crown in any event, and he’ll probably be senile by then anyway. Queen Elizabeth is at 2000:1 – she is expected to die within the next 12 years, even though she seems intent on living forever.

The princess’s mother, Kate Middleton, is expected to be kept around because “as the queen mother she may be able to provide valuable insight from having lived the life of a commoner.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.