LONDON, England –
The Royal Baby was finally born days after the original due date, and she is already plotting the death of those first in line for the throne. Prince William and Duchess Kate’s second child is fourth in line, behind her grandfather, father, and brother, and she reportedly will not leave her ascension to the crown to chance.
“She’s a real darling, and has been born with all the classic aspects of royalty,” said royal analyst Priscilla Hendler. “She’s ready to lead a life devoid of all meaning and commitment to a monarchy with no power, and she’s ready to shed blood to lead that monarchy.”
The princess is expected to kill all of her competitors by the time she reaches age twelve, when she will be of age to take the throne.
Bookmakers have been scrambling to decide on odds of who will be killed first. Prince George, the little princess’s brother, is odds on at 2:1, being the closest in proximity and easiest to play off as an accident. Next up is Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, the princess’s father at 5:2. Charles, Prince of Wales, is next up at 33:4, since he is expected to forgo the crown in any event, and he’ll probably be senile by then anyway. Queen Elizabeth is at 2000:1 – she is expected to die within the next 12 years, even though she seems intent on living forever.
The princess’s mother, Kate Middleton, is expected to be kept around because “as the queen mother she may be able to provide valuable insight from having lived the life of a commoner.”
LONDON, England –
With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.
“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”
Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.
“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”
Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”
When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.