Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Kate Middleton's Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

LONDON, England – 

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.

Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

HOLLYWOOD, California – Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Disney announced yesterday a new film that many are calling a ‘breakthrough’ in the world of animation. The studio, known for their many stories of girls who are seeking their Prince Charming, have said that they are creating a new fairy-tale about a young girl who, this time, is seeking her Princess Charming.

“We have tried to branch out over the years, when it comes to our female characters,” said Disney executive Ellen Etheridge. “We have come a long way from Sleeping Beauty, and have tried to introduce strong female characters that young children can look up to. We introduced an African-American Princess a few years back, and we are looking to break new ground once more.”

Etheridge says that the new film, which is currently being written by Disney scribe Pete Docter (Toy Story, Up), centers on a young girl named Jude, who is struggling with the fact that she’s not like the other girls in her school, who are only interested in boys, shopping, and ‘getting pretty.’

“Jude is an orphan, and has very few people in her life that care for her. She is confused, as a lot of young, gay boys and girls can be,” said Etheridge. “When she is magically transported to a dream world, she meets and falls in love with another young girl, Brandie. The story revolves around Jude’s adventure in her real-world, trying to make it back to Brandie in the dream-world.”

“I want it to be something that all children can enjoy, not just gay children,” said Docter. “This is the first time that Disney has ever tried to make film like this, so it has to be just spectacular. The story is coming along well, and I think that everyone will be extremely happy with the film. It’s not stepping lightly on the aspect of homosexuality, it’s going to break down the walls. ”

Despite Docter’s extreme optimism, many parents groups are outraged by the idea that their children will be begging them to see a movie based around gay characters.

“I have no intention of letting my child see that filth,” said Mary Lambert, mother of Kathy, aged 7. “I know that she is going to want to see it, and then she’ll be singing the damn songs all day, which will probably all be about sodomy, or dildos, or other homo stuff. The she’ll want to go out as the character on Halloween. Then she’ll want toys and bed sheets and t-shirts and the DVD of the movie. Then she’ll start being interested in girls, and before I know it, she’ll be coming out to me while I cry my eyes out that I’ll never have a grandchild. This movie will be the death of Disney, I’ll see to it!”

Disney plans on releasing the as-yet-untitled film in the winter of 2016.

A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.
A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.









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