Dogs Campaigning for Right to Marry Humans; Say if Gays Can do it, Why Can’t They?

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an unexpected playing out of the straw man argument that conservatives use against gay rights, a local dogs’ group has started a campaign for the legalization of human-dog marriages. Their main argument is, if gays can do it, why can’t we? The number of canines interested in interspecies – or any type of – marriage is reportedly small, but they are resolved to be vocal in bringing their cause to public attention.

“Once gay marriage became legal in many states, the whole idea of what a marriage should be was permanently altered,” said Timothy Kruger, the dog at the head of the campaign. “Since it’s no longer defined as the joining of a man and a woman, who’s to say at what point we should stop. A man should be allowed to marry his dog.”

Resistance from conservative groups has been swift and strong, as expected. They have also, predictably, said “I told you so” with smug looks on their faces, before decrying the acceptance of dogs, gays and liberals in modern society.

“What is our world coming to, when the idea of dog marriage is seriously entertained?” asked Senator Ted Cruz. “We knew all along that this would happen – that our society would crumble before our eyes – but those on the left always think they know better.”

Human marriage equality groups have been mixed in their responses, with the majority against the legalization of human-dog marriage, but some fringe organizations actively supporting it.

“I don’t think dogs should be discriminated against, but the problem is that this comes too soon,” said head of LGBTI group, Gay For Life, Samuel Martin. “It gives the Republicans a leg to stand on which, quite frankly, they don’t need. We need a few more decades for the normalization of gay marriage, before we can start thinking about more liberal measures.”

Roger Hess, a member of the same group, however, disagreed strongly.

“It will harm our cause, there’s no doubt about that,” he said. “But that’s no reason to allow blatant discrimination to go on. We need to stand up for progressive values, no matter how hard it might be.”

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

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President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people. 

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

 

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