ATLANTA, Georgia –
Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.
Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.
According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.
These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.
The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.
LOS ANGELES, California –
After fans praised Courtney Stodden for posting a makeup free selfie on Instagram, the reality TV star has announced her plans to remove her breast implants. Stodden was praised for her natural beauty and courage after posting a photo with the caption, “NO MAKEUP … NO HAIRSPRAY… NO FANCY CLOTHES… NO FILTER… just me. #BeingBrave.” Yet one follower pointed out how the photo was just her and her giant fake breasts, which she took to heart.
“I didn’t realize that posting this would cause so much backlash, I thought I was just showing my natural beauty,” said Stodden. “I guess the problem is, I forgot that I wasn’t really natural.”
“It’s kind of gross really, and it made me feel like shit,” said Instagram follower Mary Simmons, 19. “I mean, I don’t look like that without makeup. Who does? Plus those fake breasts, they’re just…unreal. It’s all too unreal. I went and ate a whole gallon of Ben & Jerry’s after I saw that.”
Stodden says that she has decided to remove her fake breasts so that she can continue posting pictures on #NoMakeupMondays.
“It dawned on me that I could just take pictures of my face and keep my boobs out of it, but if I want to be natural, I have to be natural all the time, you know?” said Stodden.
LOS ANGELES, California –
With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.
When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.
From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.
“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”
She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.
On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:
“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”
Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.