Courtney Stodden Says She’s Going To Have Implants Removed After Internet Backlash

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

After fans praised Courtney Stodden for posting a makeup free selfie on Instagram, the reality TV star has announced her plans to remove her breast implants. Stodden was praised for her natural beauty and courage after posting a photo with the caption, “NO MAKEUP … NO HAIRSPRAY… NO FANCY CLOTHES… NO FILTER… just me. #BeingBrave.” Yet one follower pointed out how the photo was just her and her giant fake breasts, which she took to heart.

“I didn’t realize that posting this would cause so much backlash, I thought I was just showing my natural beauty,” said Stodden. “I guess the problem is, I forgot that I wasn’t really natural.”

“It’s kind of gross really, and it made me feel like shit,” said Instagram follower Mary Simmons, 19. “I mean, I don’t look like that without makeup. Who does? Plus those fake breasts, they’re just…unreal. It’s all too unreal. I went and ate a whole gallon of Ben & Jerry’s after I saw that.”

Stodden says that she has decided to remove her fake breasts so that she can continue posting pictures on #NoMakeupMondays.

“It dawned on me that I could just take pictures of my face and keep my boobs out of it, but if I want to be natural, I have to be natural all the time, you know?” said Stodden.

Drake: ‘Nothing Personal About The Kiss, I Just Don’t Like Washed-Up Old Pop Singers’

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIO, California –

Drake caused waves in the celebrity world at Coachella, after he appeared grossed out by a lip kiss from Madonna. The 56-year-old singer stuck her tongue in Drake’s mouth on stage, after which the 28-year-old scrunched up his face in disgust. But the rapper has since apologized, saying that it was nothing personal. His response, instead, was simply because he doesn’t like being kissed by washed up old celebrities twice his age.

“I don’t have anything against Mad[onna]. But being molested by women who want to be young again – that’s not my style,” he told E! Entertainment. “Usually I kiss beautiful young trending celebs. This is just a bit out of my comfort zone.”

Madonna, for her part, took the seeming rejection calmly, saying she was not particularly bothered.

“I don’t care. It’s not like I really on pissies like him for affirmation. What – you think I wanna date someone his age?”

She went on to remind us that some young singers did want to kiss her.

“Britney Spears. She kissed me. She kissed me long and hard. And she loved it. And there have been others. They might not have been publicized, but young people love me.”

Fans of Madonna have come out in support of the aging songstress, posting on Twitter and Instagram that they find her incredibly attractive, never mind that she’s old and washed up.

“Oh my geee-eerd. I leeerve Ma-donner,” said one. “She’s so ke-yurt. I would totally kiss he-er.”

Drake fans, however, defended their idol.

“My man Drake is cool yo,” said 12 year old Martin. “He’s the best, and no mother of Christ can say different. Who even knew Madonna was still alive?”

Drake later released a further statement, saying that he’s open to giving the kiss another go, as long as Madonna fixes that gap in her teeth.

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The artist formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” has revealed the truth about his hair – and it will shock his hordes of fans. He is actually a natural blonde. Yes, you heard that correctly – Prince is a natural blonde.

“I’m not ashamed of it,” he said in an exclusive interview with Empire News. “It’s haunted me my whole life. When my momma saw I had blonde hair – and I had a big bush of it when I came into the world – she screamed in horror. She didn’t know what to do, having had a black baby with blonde hair.”

Once she came to terms with the fact that it was a genetic defect, Prince’s mother, Mattie Della, decided never to let her son out in public without having his hair dyed to a perfect black.

“Every morning she’d wash my hair in black dye, and not even I knew at first that I wasn’t a natural. She didn’t think I’d be able to take the news. But when I was five years old, she thought I’d better hear it from her, rather than waking up from a hair growth spurt and realizing I had blonde roots.”

Prince later took on the responsibility of treating his own hair.

“It simply became a part of my routine. For most kids, bathing and brushing teeth and hair is what they must do in the morning. I just had that little extra task of keeping my identity in tact.”

When he became a professional artist, he considered letting his true roots out, as his identity was already flamboyant and idiosyncratic.

“I could’ve told the world I was blonde, but I thought I’d wait until a time when I wasn’t successful – when I needed something to gain more publicity. That time never came, so I decided I might as well come out with it now. After all, my popularity has peaked and stabilized. I’ll never need to resort to stunts.”

You Won’t Believe the Reactions to Ellen DeGeneres’s Latest TV Prank

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Ellen DeGeneres has not shied from edgy pranks in the past. From fake failed proposals, to her and Justin Bieber scaring people in bathrooms, her practical jokes have become the gold standard of celebrity misbehavior.

Her latest stunt involved showing up on unsuspecting people’s doorsteps and, after they recovered from the excitement of the celebrity’s appearance, solemnly informing them that a loved one has been killed and eaten by Bob, an escaped gorilla.

The responses to this prank may be the best yet. Unfortunately, she has been prevented by the sulky victims from showing their reactions on her show. Here are some of the best, described by the lovable star.

“The first one was quite a hoot. It was a twenty five year old newlywed. When I told her her husband was dead, she literally collapsed. It took ten minutes to revive her, and then when I revealed that it was a hoax, she fainted again!”

DeGeneres says that normally she is more for the “light-hearted” types of pranks, but she thought that no one would really fall for the joke when she said they’d been eaten by a gorilla.

“The next could not have been scripted. I told this thirty-something male that his wife and baby daughter had been eaten by Bob, he burst into tears and ran to the kitchen. I chased after him with my film crew, just in time to catch him sticking a kitchen knife into his stomach. Wow, he almost bled to death, but he was such a sweetie that he had no idea how to murderously use a knife.”

A production assistant on the show, who was on-location as Ellen performed her pranks, says that they had so much fun filming, they nearly stretched the bit to fill an entire hour-long episode.

“One of my favorites was the old lady who thought she’d lost her entire extended family,” said Mary Clarke, production assistant. “Poor woman was in a retirement village, and when Ellen told her the news, she was so distraught that she actually gouged her eyes out. I’ve never seen anything like it. To add to the fun, when I told her the truth, she threw her eyeballs at me. Oh my God, what a day!”

DeGeneres says that she will be paying for all medical bills for the people who appeared in her prank, as well as giving them all paid vacations to anywhere in the world. “I just want to be the next Oprah,” said DeGeneres. “You get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill!”

Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEWPORT BEACH, California –

Bellator MMA, the country’s second-largest mixed martial arts promotion, announced today that they would be putting together a celebrity tournament featuring some major names in Hollywood. They are hoping to use these fights to increase their television ratings, as well as bring more notice to their fighters and promotion as a whole.

Founder Bjorn Rebney started Bellator MMA in 2008 as the Bellator Fighting Championship (Bellator is latin for “warrior”) as a competitor to the uber-popular UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, which has been televising MMA fights since 1993. In the last several years, Bellator has slowly gained almost a cult-following of fans, who closely follow their 8-man tournaments, which are set up as a counter-action to the individual one-off fights presented by the UFC.

Rebney announced the new event from the company’s headquarters in Newport Beach, California.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce the new incarnation of Bellator MMA with our Celebrity Fights Tournament!” Said Rebney during his press conference. “We are very excited to work with our group of stars, to help train them, and get them ring-ready to beat the living hell out of each other.”

The announced celebrities that have already signed on the dotted line for the fights include Academy Award winning actors Matt Damon and Edward Norton, Danny DeVito, cult film director Kevin Smith, pop-star Justin Timberlake, pussy-boy Michael Cera, every woman’s masturbatory fantasy Channing Tatum, and for some bizarre reason, 90s rapper Coolio.

The tournament will take place in mid-January, and will be televised on SpikeTV in the U.S. and CTV in Canada. Bellator’s normal rules will apply, as each celebrity is paired off against another in an 8-man bi-weekly staggered tournament, which will be compromised of three, 5-minute rounds each. The winner will be given $100,000 for his favorite charity and, like any Bellator tournament winner, will be able to challenge current champion Vitaly Minakov of Russia. Minakov has been the Bellator heavyweight champion since November of 2013, and is expected to completely destroy any of the celebrities who may challenge him, especially Danny DeVito.

So far, a few of the celebrities have already been seen in gyms bulking up for their fight, including Edward Norton, who is looking to put back on all the American History X muscle and defeat Cera, who has been selected as his opponent for the first round.

“I know that I can beat him right to the ground. Who hasn’t wanted to punch Michael Cera in the face on more than one occasion? Jesus, did you guys see Year One? He deserves to be beaten into oblivion for making bad movies,” said Norton, apparently forgetting he starred in The Incredible Hulk.

Bellator MMA is said to already be seeking fighters for their next celebrity tournament, and has reportedly reached out to funny man Seth Rogen, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, and Star Wars creator George Lucas. So far, no one else has signed-on officially, but speculation is high that everyone will be on board.

TVs ‘Dr. Phil’ Comes Out As Homosexual

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

A familiar face for daytime television has made an announcement that has set a shock to his millions of loyal viewers. Popular television host Phil McGraw, also known as Dr. Phil, announced early Tuesday morning that he is gay, and that he couldn’t keep the secret in any longer.

Dr.Phil first made his appearance on television on the very popular Oprah Winfrey show, and over time became one of her favorite guests. The appearances on her show eventually led to McGraw landing him his own television show, and the program has been running strong ever since.

McGraw has a way of getting the brutal truth out of people and calling out cowards that hide behind their lies. His forceful attitude and completely stringent, no B.S. attitude has made his program very popular in the ratings for a daytime television show.

For a while Dr.Phil has been quite the celebrity, appearing on different television shows while still racking in viewers on his own program. The hype of his show has cooled off a bit over time, but he still airs his show in syndication throughout the country.

Even with his immense popularity, questions are certainly arising as to why he has chosen to ‘come out’ at this point in his life and career, seemingly announced out of nowhere, throwing a ripple through his home life. McGraw has been married to wife Robin Jameson since 1976.

“I spend most of my days getting the truth from my guests, and all this time I was lying to myself.” said McGraw. “I’ve always known, and I didn’t want to disturb the life of my family and friends. I wasn’t sure how the public would take it after my fame, so I kept it inside to keep things calm. Then one day recently I woke up and looked myself in the mirror, I said ‘You like kissing men, looking at them naked…guess what buddy, you’re a homosexual!'”

McGraw’s wife Robin is reportedly seeking religious guidance for her husband, as well as possibly checking him into a sexual re-orientation clinic.

“We’ll get him back on the straight path, all puns intended.” Said Jameson. “Phil is a loving man, and I stand by him and his decisions, even though they are completely disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. If he can’t help his needs, we’ll just spend all of the millions of dollars he’s made trying to cure him. It’s possible with God.”

McGraw himself continues to work on his program, Dr. Phil, and says he has no desire to change anything about his chosen career.

“It’s just freeing to finally be me, you know?” said McGraw.