M&M Mars Say They Plan To Release New W&W Candies In 2016

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The M&M-Mars Candy company, who are best known for their little chocolates that “melt in your mouth, not in your hand,” say that they are planning a new line of candies that will be released in 2016, called W&Ws.

“We have been making M&M candies for the better part of 100 years, and we’ve done little to change the product, except to add new things inside,” said company spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, we’ve decided that we are going to shake things up, and add an entirely new product to our line. The W&W candies will be very similar to M&Ms, to the point that most people won’t tell or taste a difference. The only thing is, they will be branded with little Ws on each candy.”

Goldsmith says that the new W&W line is something the company has been working on for quite some time, but were waiting for the proper time to reveal.

“We think now, in this day and age, is the time to really push forth, and break new ground,” said Goldsmith. “We’ve always been forward thinkers and M&M, and now we’re going to prove it.”

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it.

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”