NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

WASHINGTON, D.C – NASA's Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.



New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

PIEDMONT, North Dakota – Empire-News-New-Study-Proves-Everyone-Is-Gay-Homosexual

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”

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