Walmart Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy After Closing 100 Stores, Laying Off 10k Employees

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BETONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart Stores, Inc. has reportedly filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy as of the first of January, after announcing that they would be closing over 100 stores nationwide, with over 10,000 employees being laid off. The bankruptcy comes as the company, the world’s largest employer, has steadily lost sales over the years to online retailers like Amazon.

“We can’t compete with Amazon, we’re not even close to their pricing on nearly anything,” said Walmart spokesman George Glass. “These online stores, they’re killing us. I work for the world’s largest company, and I only made $92,000 last year. How am I supposed to feed my family on that? We have filed for bankruptcy in hopes of restructuring the company and regaining the stranglehold – excuse me, I mean foothold – that we’ve had in the marketplace for the last 4 decades.”

Walmart employees say that they are the ones who are going to be hardest hit by this restructuring, which will more than likely include closing of several hundred more stores, leaving thousands more out of work.

“It’s just like when I worked for Ames. Then I worked for Circuit City. Then RadioShack. All these companies are becoming more and more obsolete every day,” said Walmart store manager Phil Angel. “At this point, I think the only thing really to do would be go and work at Amazon. Give it another 5 years, and there won’t be physical stores anymore for anything. Shit, I even do my grocery shopping on Amazon, and I work in a Walmart store with a grocery department – Amazon has better deals, even with my 6% employee discount!”

Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

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PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name?  Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice.  “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work.  ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off.  “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear.  ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad.  ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled.  “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients.  ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

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“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn.  “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job.  I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox.  “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom.  We work so well together.  The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change.  “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said.  And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events.  “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said.  “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting.  Maybe I’ll try that.  All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have legislation regarding marijuana legalization in active committee. What may be a boon for increased state tax revenue and for sellers of home gardening supplies, is apparently tipping the scales in the other direction for local independent street dealers, many of whom are feeling the pinch.

“All of our new bankruptcy clients now are walking in off the street, wanting to file,” says Lance Powell, financial advisor and bankruptcy attorney.  “When we ask what they did for a living, more and more say ‘I was a dealer’ or ‘I sold weed on the corner.’  It’s crazy.  It’s good for my business, but it means it’s bad for somebody else’s,” he added.

“Used to be I could just stick my big toe out the window, and customers came ‘round,” said struggling dealer known locally as ‘Freeman the Treeman.’  Now, I can’t get arrested!  It’s a damn shame,” he said.

Local bottle and can collector Lee Fan, known for her shopping carts towering with impossibly balanced plastic bags filled with returnable water bottles, soda and beer cans, is also suffering.  “Everybody picks up bottles now, not good for me, not good for my income.  Dealers can’t sell street marijuana so much, so now they pick up bottles.  Free money.  Streets are much cleaner, but now I take a big loss,” she said, guiding her now half-empty carriages in a sad trail down the street.

Effects are also felt below city sidewalks and penetrate far down into local subway systems.  Rider Mabel Watson, standing beside her Lower Manhattan Seventh Avenue subway entrance, had this to say:  “With all these laws getting more and more relaxed, street people have to change jobs.  Me, I got glaucoma in my eye, but now I got a voucher to go to the drugstore to get mine instead of all this street mess.”

“So,” continued Watson, “I see my local man, ‘PuffPuff’ down in the train the other day sellin’ candy like the kids do to raise money.  Probably the first real job he ever had, but anyway he comes up to me and says, ‘where you been Mabel?’ and I tell him I don’t need him no more.  He gets all in my face, tells me ‘Buy some of my candy then!  It’s only a dollar, bitch!  I mean, ma’am,’ — like that’s gonna make it all right!  I bought 2 peanut M&Ms and some DOTS just to get that fool out my face!”

“It’s incredible how many things are affected,” said Powell, as he processed another bankruptcy claim for a new client, nicknamed Mr. Kush.  See that guy leaving right now?  He used to own this neighborhood.  Cars, fancy clothes, everything.  Now he comes in here almost broke. Never thought I’d see the day when all this would change so fast. I’m swamped,” said Powell, eyes bloodshot and glassy. “It’s from all this extra work and no sleep, honest,” he added, as he returned to a growing stack of new claim forms.

Bill Gates Files For Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

SEATTLE, Washington – bill gates files for chapter 7 bankruptcy

One of the richest men to ever walk the planet has fallen on some very hard times lately after sales of some Microsoft flagship products, including the XBox One and the Microsoft Surface, have severely underperformed.

With a net-worth of $76 billion dollars, Bill Gates was thought to be hands-down in great shape finically, but recent  reports are that Gates has secretly filed for bankruptcy. News hit the media this morning, and Gates’ accountants and investors are scrambling to figure out where everything went wrong.

He may have some overseas accounts, claim some investors, but nothing is certain at this moment.

A man who single-handedly built, scratched, scraped, and stole to build such a powerful company – and gained a lot of money by doing so – is looking at losing it all. This mean his homes, private helicopters, and perhaps even his company.

A financial advisor, who does not work for Gates, had some theories as to the downfall of such a massive fortune.

“I think it was pretty much all the lousy products they’ve put out in the last couple years,” said Myles Kennefic, a Wall Street financier. “Windows 8, the new video game system, and the Surface Tablet – oh God, the Surface – it’s like Gates couldn’t catch a break. Even putting the Start Menu back into Windows couldn’t save his fortune.”

Microsoft’s stock was apparently unaffected by the announcement. Gates himself didn’t seem to worried, posing for pictures with fans outside of his attorney’s office.

“Minor setback, no big deal,” Said Gates. “I might not have billions of dollars laying around anymore, but I am sure I won’t be going hungry any time soon, don’t worry.”

 

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