Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off

Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off



The Senate passed a bill today to force approval of federally legalized prostitution in the United States, which President Obama is expected to pass in his second official clash with the new Republican-majority Congress.

Earlier this week, the Senate approved a bill in support of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, with two bills heading towards the President’s desk, Republicans seem to be going after and testing President Obama after winning control of the Senate late last year. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who is the majority leader chose the ‘Prostitution Freedom’ bill as the bold companion to the Keystone Oil Pipeline bill, and says that Republicans now have the Presidents hands tied.

“The President would be ill advised to veto both bills,” McConnell said. “Obama would have to be stupid to shoot down both, so it seems that he is going to pass the prostitution bill and veto the Keystone pipeline bill, which he is seemingly more concerned with preventing. Democrats are more likely to warm up to the idea of legalized prostitution these days, and for good reason. It works for the state of Nevada, and it will work for the rest of the country. Sometimes, the typical American citizen needs to unwind after a tough week at work.”

The Senate voted 61-37 in favor of legalized prostitution, and nine democrats joined Republicans in passing the bill. Democratic senator George Charles of Colorado says that prostitution would help his state just as much, if not more, than the legalization of marijuana. “I mean heck, it is safer this way. Licensed prostitutes will be required to have monthly check-ups to ensure they have a clean product. Without legalized prostitution you have women, and men, walking the streets with God knows what disease while soliciting clients,” Charles said. “I know that when it’s time to go out and find a nice whore, I want to be ensured that she’s as clean as my Mama’s backside, if you know what I’m getting at.”





Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law,  it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.



Johnny Depp Announces Plan To Run For President In 2016

NEW YORK CITY,  New York – Johnny Depp Annonces Plan To Run For President In 2016

While taking a break from the filming of the Kevin Smith comedy Yoga Hosers, acting icon Johnny Depp told entertainment reporter Sarah Mayer of  Inside Entertainment Daily, that he is interested in politics and he plans on  throwing his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election, which he says will be a great way to be ‘taken seriously.’

“America is screwed up, marijuana is illegal in most states, and the amount of time and money our judicial system spends on non-violent crimes is absolutely astounding. I’m sure people will laugh when they hear I am running for office, but for the most part, I hope to be taken seriously as an aspiring politician,” Depp told Mayer on Tuesday. “I have my film career and musical endeavors, and being president of the United States would be an adventurous side gig.”

Depp has made several controversial comments about the United States in the past, most infamously of which from an interview for the German magazine Stern, where he said  “America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” Depp said his comment was taken out of context, and that it was his response to how Americans have so much access to powerful things that they often get in over their heads. 

Depp says that legalizing marijuana across the board is at the top of his agenda, but there is a lot more that needs to change. “I don’t think school children should be ordered to attend school five days a week, they have fragile little minds. They should go to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, giving their brains time to take in what they have learned the day before. I believe no employer should be allowed to not hire you based on your appearance or make you keep tattoos or piercings covered up. There is not enough individuality in the U.S., this needs to be addressed.” Depp added.

When asked about his chances as being considered a legitimate presidential contender, Depp said that he hoped he would have a better chance than most.

“Have you seen the clowns we have had in office the past fourteen years? Over the past 40 years, even. They are nothing more than puppets. There is zero honesty in U.S. politics today, I intend to put it all out there. If the American people can’t appreciate that, then the social decline will continue,” Depp answered. “I would have never considered putting myself through such a thing, but when you look at the list of contenders for 2016 it is a frightful observation. I am pretty sure that the American people don’t even like any of them.”

It is not the most far-fetched idea for a legendary actor to seek the presidency. Ronald Reagan made the jump after two  succesful terms as the 33rd governor of California. In a nutshell, Depp admitted that he probably didn’t stand a chance, but it would indeed be the launching pad into politics, and would perhaps run for governor in his home state of Kentucky.  “Within the next year, I will really put my ideas and beliefs out there, I will probably not be considered. But after that who knows, maybe I will run for governor of Kentucky,” Depp said.

Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have legislation regarding marijuana legalization in active committee. What may be a boon for increased state tax revenue and for sellers of home gardening supplies, is apparently tipping the scales in the other direction for local independent street dealers, many of whom are feeling the pinch.

“All of our new bankruptcy clients now are walking in off the street, wanting to file,” says Lance Powell, financial advisor and bankruptcy attorney.  “When we ask what they did for a living, more and more say ‘I was a dealer’ or ‘I sold weed on the corner.’  It’s crazy.  It’s good for my business, but it means it’s bad for somebody else’s,” he added.

“Used to be I could just stick my big toe out the window, and customers came ‘round,” said struggling dealer known locally as ‘Freeman the Treeman.’  Now, I can’t get arrested!  It’s a damn shame,” he said.

Local bottle and can collector Lee Fan, known for her shopping carts towering with impossibly balanced plastic bags filled with returnable water bottles, soda and beer cans, is also suffering.  “Everybody picks up bottles now, not good for me, not good for my income.  Dealers can’t sell street marijuana so much, so now they pick up bottles.  Free money.  Streets are much cleaner, but now I take a big loss,” she said, guiding her now half-empty carriages in a sad trail down the street.

Effects are also felt below city sidewalks and penetrate far down into local subway systems.  Rider Mabel Watson, standing beside her Lower Manhattan Seventh Avenue subway entrance, had this to say:  “With all these laws getting more and more relaxed, street people have to change jobs.  Me, I got glaucoma in my eye, but now I got a voucher to go to the drugstore to get mine instead of all this street mess.”

“So,” continued Watson, “I see my local man, ‘PuffPuff’ down in the train the other day sellin’ candy like the kids do to raise money.  Probably the first real job he ever had, but anyway he comes up to me and says, ‘where you been Mabel?’ and I tell him I don’t need him no more.  He gets all in my face, tells me ‘Buy some of my candy then!  It’s only a dollar, bitch!  I mean, ma’am,’ — like that’s gonna make it all right!  I bought 2 peanut M&Ms and some DOTS just to get that fool out my face!”

“It’s incredible how many things are affected,” said Powell, as he processed another bankruptcy claim for a new client, nicknamed Mr. Kush.  See that guy leaving right now?  He used to own this neighborhood.  Cars, fancy clothes, everything.  Now he comes in here almost broke. Never thought I’d see the day when all this would change so fast. I’m swamped,” said Powell, eyes bloodshot and glassy. “It’s from all this extra work and no sleep, honest,” he added, as he returned to a growing stack of new claim forms.

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