Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

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Amazon Unveils 'Amazon Crime' Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

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“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

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