Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people.

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.