Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

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cell phone data

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Secret E-Mails Reveal ‘E-Z Pass’ Toll Payment System Tracks Your Travel

ez pass

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A slew of emails between anonymous officials has revealed a shocking truth about E-Z Pass, the electronic toll payment system used by millions of Americans every day. According to the documents, the E-Z Pass system was secretly set up by the U.S. Government to help track and monitor individuals as they travel.

“The system has been in place for over 25 years, and it has helped us to watch over everyone,” said one of the e-mails. “We believe that a spread of E-Z Pass throughout the entire country would help to further our needs of collecting and storing data.”

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“It’s crazy! I already have my aluminum hat on, I’ve taped over the mic and camera on my laptop, and I even cancelled my internet so the government didn’t know what kind of porn I was jerking it to…and now I can’t even drive anywhere?! It’s crazy!” said E-Z Pass user Mike Pooler. “The government is on to us! They’re on to us, and they’re coming for our women, our children, and especially our guns!”

Supposedly set up just to make traffic flow easier by tying a small box, read by a machine at every toll both, to your checking account or bank card, E-Z Pass users have said that, as of late, they have felt “less safe” using the device. It isn’t just the government that may be tracking your location, though. According to some users, E-Z Pass may also be selling your travel data to advertising companies.

“I used to drive everywhere, and just throw some quarters in a slot, and all was right with the world,” said Joe Goldsmith, a former E-Z Pass user. “When E-Z Pass came out, it was great – you barely even need to slow down. I noticed more recently, though, that whenever I travelled, I’d come home and I’d have emails about places I’d visited. Or I would get unsolicited mail about new hotels in areas I had just been. It scared the hell out of me. I threw my E-Z Pass away.”

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

MENLO PARK, California – facebook reporting guns to homeland security

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

 “Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

 “It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

kendal
Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security

 

Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurdist ‘Matchmaking Game’

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurd Matchmaking Game

The terrifying news released last week that Facebook admitted to manipulating the posts of 689,003 users in a mood-changing social experiment came as a shock to people worldwide. Further investigations into the ethicality of their experiments has uncovered new information that suggests Facebook has been using their “guinea-pig” users in a much more problematic way.

This secondary experiment first became apparent when reading the official report released by Facebook, sources noticed occasional references to something called “dating data.” When prompted about the mysterious data, Facebook technology teams confessed to what they had been doing throughout the site.

“Using what we learned from our initial experiment – that modifying the news feeds of a user could in fact modify their mood as a whole – we invested in a smaller project to see if by modifying people’s news feeds and shared information, we could push for romantic relationships between certain users, and deter them between others.” Said an employee of the company, speaking under the guise of anonymity.

“Our aim was to discover how far social networking goes today in regards to formulating intimacy between people.” Said another employee in charge of the dating data. “We edited private messages being sent between users, even sent a few ourselves, and we even used our stupid ‘poke’ option to generate interest between chosen users. If you got ‘poked’ in the last year on the site, that was most definitely us. No one actually pokes anybody.”

“To be honest, the whole thing was just a game to us. We’d choose a couple people in the same city at random, make sure they didn’t know each other at all, and start playing our games. It was all really just for a laugh. Oh, and, of course, to study human interaction, etcetera blah blah.”

This bizarre matchmaking experiment prompts ethicists and futurists to ask several alarming questions about the nature of privacy on the internet and how much we allow technology to control our lives in this day and age

“What we have here is a prime example of when massive corporations such as Facebook, are given too much power over the day-to-day social (and private) lives of everyday people.” Futurist Jim Carroll explained. “Hollywood makes so many movies about far-off futuristic dystopias, but what many don’t realize, and what’s highlighted by Facebook’s invasive studies, is that we are already living in one.”

When asked to comment on their latest scandal, Facebook responded by neither admitting their faults, nor denying that they were manipulating user data.

“We here at Facebook believe in user privacy, sorta, but we also believe in scientific discovery. It is important to understand human emotion and just how easily it can be tweaked by interactive new media such as social networking. We are dealing with new technology here that no one completely understands. Experiments can help us learn.”

Facebook, as a publicly traded company, is legally allowed to do whatever they want with the public and private data that users transmit through their system. The end-user agreement that is digitally “signed” by any user who creates an account, actually gives Facebook the company a lot of rights over them that they probably would never allow.

Analysts have said that in the several years that Facebook has grown to be one of the biggest websites in the world, not a single person who has created an account has taken the time to read the license agreement the site makes you agree to. They went on to say the only way to stop Facebook from manipulating their data is to stop using the website all together.

“Really, the best thing would be to switch to something like MySpace or Google Plus.” Said one analyst. “Your information is going to be extremely private on those websites, because no one uses them in the first place, so no one cares to study the user data of a handful of people.”

 

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