Microchip in Store Savings Card Tracks More Than Spending Habits


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Not only do they track your purchases, but they may be tracking your whereabouts. Drug, supermarket, and department store loyalty cards earn you rewards and savings, and in exchange they collect valuable purchase tracking data. In attempts to learn more about the average shopper habits, most chain stores have started also tracking their customers’ whereabouts, as well as listening to private conversations.

Some stores, though, say that they are not on board. Rite Aid CEO John Standley says he doesn’t believe in the microchipping. “It’s not right. It’s not Rite Aid. We believe in maintaining the privacy of our customers, and what keeps them coming back here are the great deals and the gasses we pump from the ceiling.”

Stockholders criticize Standley, saying the company is missing out on an opportunity for gain as tracking information can be sold to the illuminati at a premium.

“I have no idea why Rite Aid is so against tracking customers,” said Kroger store president Johnny Kroger. “We have been watching our customers for years, and tracking them with loyalty cards and credit card transactions. This is how we always know what to have, and when to have it.”

Experts say that you should immediately destroy and store cards that you have, regardless of what store it may be.

Secret E-Mails Reveal ‘E-Z Pass’ Toll Payment System Tracks Your Travel

ez pass


A slew of emails between anonymous officials has revealed a shocking truth about E-Z Pass, the electronic toll payment system used by millions of Americans every day. According to the documents, the E-Z Pass system was secretly set up by the U.S. Government to help track and monitor individuals as they travel.

“The system has been in place for over 25 years, and it has helped us to watch over everyone,” said one of the e-mails. “We believe that a spread of E-Z Pass throughout the entire country would help to further our needs of collecting and storing data.”

“It’s crazy! I already have my aluminum hat on, I’ve taped over the mic and camera on my laptop, and I even cancelled my internet so the government didn’t know what kind of porn I was jerking it to…and now I can’t even drive anywhere?! It’s crazy!” said E-Z Pass user Mike Pooler. “The government is on to us! They’re on to us, and they’re coming for our women, our children, and especially our guns!”

Supposedly set up just to make traffic flow easier by tying a small box, read by a machine at every toll both, to your checking account or bank card, E-Z Pass users have said that, as of late, they have felt “less safe” using the device. It isn’t just the government that may be tracking your location, though. According to some users, E-Z Pass may also be selling your travel data to advertising companies.

“I used to drive everywhere, and just throw some quarters in a slot, and all was right with the world,” said Joe Goldsmith, a former E-Z Pass user. “When E-Z Pass came out, it was great – you barely even need to slow down. I noticed more recently, though, that whenever I travelled, I’d come home and I’d have emails about places I’d visited. Or I would get unsolicited mail about new hotels in areas I had just been. It scared the hell out of me. I threw my E-Z Pass away.”

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