Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

MENLO PARK, California – facebook reporting guns to homeland security

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

 “Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

 “It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security


KFC Employee Kicks Child With Down Syndrome Out Of Restaurant, Says He Thought It Was Policy

OAKSHARE, North Carolina – KFC Employee

This past Tuesday, Darnell Washington, a KFC employee in Oakshare, North Carolina forced Kaleb Brimmley, an 8-year-old boy suffering from Down Syndrome to leave the Oakshare KFC without finishing his food.

Darnell claims that he thought it was within the employee handbook to kick out any patrons that are disfigured or have any sort of affliction that could cause other restaurant goers distraction.

Darnell told the media: “I remember seeing something all over the internet a couple of months ago about a little disfigured girl getting kicked out of KFC, and assumed it was protocol. It’s not like I wanted to kick that boy out, it was awkward and I had to build up the courage to do it because I am a company man and wanted to demonstrate my ability to do the right thing.”

The incident Darnell references in which a disfigured girl was asked to leave a KFC due to her deformities being a distraction to other patrons has since been uncovered as a hoax.

It has been confirmed by his management team that Darnell did not solicit advice or direction from his supervisor before acting. “No, I never bothered to ask them. I wanted to step up and prove to my manager, Dave, that I have what it takes to be the next shift lead!”

Patrons dining at the popular chain restaurant that night claim that Kaleb was politely eating his chicken with what appeared to be his mother and grandmother, and was not doing anything to cause a scene. One patron told the media “The boy was not doing anything to distract the other guests; I mean it was obvious there was something different about him, you could tell, of course. I don’t think anyone even complained about it. Why would they? He was just eating his chicken, but I’m pretty sure that is what they want you to do there.”

“KFC loves all their patrons, and it is definitely not in our company policy to ask any patron to leave because of physical or mental deformity,” said Harland Sanders, CEO of KFC. “We have never done that. The young girl who made national news after supposedly being asked to leave has since been debunked as a hoax that went viral. I guess in the end, the lesson we should teach our employees is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

It is unclear if this incident will result in Darnell’s employment at KFC to be terminated. It was reported that soon after the story broke and first received media attention, KFC’s Facebook profile was briefly changed to the “feeling annoyed” emoticon, however it hasn’t been confirmed that the status update was an acknowledgment of the incident.

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