Victoria’s Secret To Stop Selling Plus-Sized Lingerie

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Victoria’s Secret To Stop Selling Plus-Sized Lingerie

While many clothing companies are catering to plus size women with special clothing lines and models, Victoria’s Secret announced today that they would be completely doing away with their plus-sized line and catalog. In a bold move that is sure to create controversy, the company has said that they no longer wish to cater to women who don’t fit ‘their image’ of the human body.

“Victoria’s Secret is all about beauty and grace,” said CEO Lori Greene. “Our clothes and lingerie are about feeling good and being sexy. Personally, I work hard at keeping in shape, and seeing large women and plus-size models in our clothes disgusts me. I can’t even imagine how men must feel. It’s a well-known fact that our annual catalog goes out mostly to men, and is a bigger drawn than even Playboy, except no one has to say they’re only ‘reading the articles’ with our magazine. Victoria’s Secret is all about sex appeal, and if large women want lingerie, there are stores out there that cater to them, like Target and Costco. I don’t feel we should have to lower our standards for fatties.”

 “Fat people are super gross,” said Victoria’s Secret model Isabelle Stanford. “If you’re a size two or more, you should really be shopping at Wal-Mart, not Victoria’s Secret. I don’t eat or sleep, and I exercise all day just to be a role model for women everywhere. If you want to look sexy like me and wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie, just work out more, eat less and a little bump here and there doesn’t hurt either.” 

“There ain’t nothing sexy about a fat chick in a thong,” said Carmine Classi, a customer in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota. ”My wife puts on one of those expensive Vicki Secret panties,  and I can’t even see it under her fat rolls, so what’s the point? I never did mind taking her to the stores though, because I could check out all the hotties working and shopping in there, the ones wearing them thongs and yoga pants, mmm mmm! But now I won’t even be able to do that? Thanks, Victoria’s Secret.”


Recently Paroled Child Killer: ‘It’s The Children’s Fault For How They Were Dressing’

SYDNEY, Australia – empire-news-recently-paroled-child-killer-its-the-childrens-fault-for-how-they-were-dressing

Following the recent pedophilia scandal of ex-Australian Children’s TV star Rolf Harris, questions are being asked into how someone so blatantly dispicable managed to evade being caught for so many years. Fearing that their child may be the next victim of sexual abuse, many parents are crying out and asking what they can do to prevent these things from happening to their own kids.

Empire spoke to a recently-released child killer, who we will refer to as “Jared”, about what parents can do to ensure that their children are not even on a criminal’s radar.

“You already know how to educate your kids on stranger danger.” he said. “But most of the time, telling your kids not to talk to a stranger isn’t going to stop a potential pedophile from snatching them. Put it this way, if a criminal sees something he desires, ain’t nothing going to stop him if its what he really wants.

“What you’ve gotta do, is stop dressing your children so godd— trendy. It’s your fault, and the children’s fault for how they are dressing!” explained Jared. “All these kids prancing around in adult looking, fashionable clothing, they’re just begging for attention. They’re begging to be snatched up, hurt, abused, and worse.”

It is true that in recent years children’s fashion has taken a surprising turn in regards to style and importance. Last year, London, England played host to the first ever Global Kids Fashion Week,  where young children skipped down the catwalk in designer gear. Even more recently, Florence, Italy held the first annual Pitti Bimbo, a childrenswear trade show. Gone are the days where kids were simply dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nowadays, even the top fashion labels out there have designer clothes for children to be seen in.

Freelance children’s clothing designer Joanne Okes expressed her own concern about the direction of children’s fashion.

“When you surround kids with such overwhelming consumerism, and you tell them that labels and clothing are crucial to their identity, you end up not with children, not with consumers, but with products. Stylishly dressed kids these days are becoming more and more a fashion accessory, and less like the children of a bygone era.”

“When a criminal sees a stylishly dressed child, he sees an object, not a person, he sees a fashion accesory begging to be used.” Jared’s horrifying words almost mirroring Mrs Okes. “He sees sex incarnate, the same as most men would in any model walking down the runway.”

Whether or not how a child dresses is a factor into the dispicable crimes we unfortunately see so often, is debatable.

“It’s ludicrous!” Said Jeanne Curtis, mother of two young girls. “The idea that how my kids are dressed has anything to do with whether they will be abducted or not is just disgusting. It’s not only an excuse for their evil behavior, but a poor one at that. If my children want to grow up to be the next Cindy Crawford or Sharon Stone, they are going to start young and become beautiful every day.”

When asked about a local court trial involving 21-year-old Susan Bedow and her apparent rapist, the same parent responded, “Well, I don’t know whether the guy is guilty or not, but if he did rape her, that’s completely different. I mean, well…did you see the skimpy outfit she was wearing on TV? That [expletive] was asking for it!”

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