Doctor Says That ‘Fat Is The New Skinny’


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.

In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.

“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”

Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.

“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”

Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”

Drug Epidemic Hits Harder As ‘Diet Heroin’ Makes Its Way To Streets In U.S.

diet heroin

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

You wouldn’t expect a place like quiet, rural Maine to be at the epicenter of a nationwide drug epidemic, but the capital city, Augusta, is experiencing a massive influx in O.D.s and hospitalizations as a new street drug, ‘diet heroin’ has hit the streets and become popular with the youth.

Diet heroin is almost identical in nature to regular heroin, an opiate, except that diet heroin will help to keep those pesky, drug-fueled pounds from forming around your mid-section.

“Frankly, I was scared to heroin, mostly because I didn’t want to get fat,” said Jennifer August, of Bangor, Maine. “My friends all started doing diet heroin, though, and none of them gained any weight. In fact, most lost a ton. Now I can party-hardy on the weekends, but not get fat, either. I’m pretty stoked.”

As popular films over the years, such as the sleeper film Trainspotting, glorified heroin use, teens across the country began using it in record numbers. Lately, as more and more doctors become flippant about their prescriptions, many adults also became hooked on heroin, after being prescribed pain killers such as Oxycontin. When those prescriptions would run out, the users turned to heroin – which is much cheaper and easier to obtain than Oxy on the streets.

“I was paying $20 a pill for Oxys, so basically I was having to sell my mouth to make the pain go away,” said Joe Goldsmith. “I switched to heroin when I realized how much cheaper it was. That worked, but I was kinda fat. Now I go with diet heroin. It’s a little pricer, but still, I don’t look so bloated. It’s great! I’m still in tons of pain and I’m throwing up a lot. I’ve been in the hospital 5 or 6 times, but hell. You have to do what you have to do to not feel the pain while keeping the weight off.”


Victoria’s Secret To Stop Selling Plus-Sized Lingerie

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Victoria’s Secret To Stop Selling Plus-Sized Lingerie

While many clothing companies are catering to plus size women with special clothing lines and models, Victoria’s Secret announced today that they would be completely doing away with their plus-sized line and catalog. In a bold move that is sure to create controversy, the company has said that they no longer wish to cater to women who don’t fit ‘their image’ of the human body.

“Victoria’s Secret is all about beauty and grace,” said CEO Lori Greene. “Our clothes and lingerie are about feeling good and being sexy. Personally, I work hard at keeping in shape, and seeing large women and plus-size models in our clothes disgusts me. I can’t even imagine how men must feel. It’s a well-known fact that our annual catalog goes out mostly to men, and is a bigger drawn than even Playboy, except no one has to say they’re only ‘reading the articles’ with our magazine. Victoria’s Secret is all about sex appeal, and if large women want lingerie, there are stores out there that cater to them, like Target and Costco. I don’t feel we should have to lower our standards for fatties.”

 “Fat people are super gross,” said Victoria’s Secret model Isabelle Stanford. “If you’re a size two or more, you should really be shopping at Wal-Mart, not Victoria’s Secret. I don’t eat or sleep, and I exercise all day just to be a role model for women everywhere. If you want to look sexy like me and wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie, just work out more, eat less and a little bump here and there doesn’t hurt either.” 

“There ain’t nothing sexy about a fat chick in a thong,” said Carmine Classi, a customer in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota. ”My wife puts on one of those expensive Vicki Secret panties,  and I can’t even see it under her fat rolls, so what’s the point? I never did mind taking her to the stores though, because I could check out all the hotties working and shopping in there, the ones wearing them thongs and yoga pants, mmm mmm! But now I won’t even be able to do that? Thanks, Victoria’s Secret.”


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