Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTERVILLE, Arkansas –

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Priest Filmed Taking Part In Sexual Activities In Confession Booth Given Two Week Suspension

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALBANY, New York –

A catholic priest, Father Paul Michael Harrison, has been suspended for two weeks after being filmed taking part in sexual activities in a confessional at the Holy Cathedral Heart of Mary Catholic Church in downtown Albany, New York.

The church released a statement and provided details of the “sinful and unethical” acts committed by Harrison to the public this afternoon. Sister Marilyn Abagail Swain, head nun at the church said that she was emailed video of Harrison and a female taking part in a ‘crude act’ inside the church’s confession booth, and that upon inspection of the booth, she found Harrison had cut a slot into the partition which separates the priest and the person confessing.

“Father Harrison has been suspended for two weeks by the church for having oral sex with a woman through what I’m told is called a glory hole. The woman, Melissa White, emailed several videos of herself and Father Harrison taking part in the acts on several occasions. We at Holy Cathedral of Mary wish to maintain the church’s integrity, while still offering the reverend unconditional forgiveness,” Sister Swain said in an email sent out to members of the church.

“I just thought that I should confess what happens in that confessional,” said White. “I didn’t think I could keep going in there, over and over, week after week, and sucking off a priest, without telling someone else. I thought if I went back on a different day, I could maybe get another priest, but I figured he might just talk me into giving him a beej, too. So, filming it and sending it to the church seemed like the better option.”

A friend of White’s, who wished to remain anoynmous, says that the White had started going to the church only recently, to confess about her addiction to frequently performing oral sex on strangers.