Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via ‘Digestive Meditation’

BOSTON, Massachusetts –  Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via 'Digestive Meditation'

With obesity on the rise and absurd diets swarming the market like wildfire, health and wellness specialist Dr. Mark Wildstein and neurologist Dr. Shawn Plutchetzky, conducted a study to see if the brain was powerful enough to control weight loss and weight distribution merely by concentration and will-power. The results of the test, released in the Boston Medical Journal on July 30th, were astounding

“The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It controls sight, smell, taste, hearing, and physical movement,” said Wildstein. “It gives us the power to imagine, to think, and to act. Everyone thought what we were doing was a joke. We firmly believe in the power of the mind, and now we have a study that shows just how right we are.”

The study was conducted over the course of six months with two separate groups of 30 subjects. The first group consisted of females, between 130-133 lbs. Half of the women were in a controlled environment where they slept 8 hours per day, exercised equally at zero to low intensity, and were fed 3 times per day. The other half of the group was not in a controlled environment, and asked to maintain their regular eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. For some participants this constituted zero physical activity, as they were asked to continue life as normal. The second study of 3o subjects was conducted in the same manner, but with male participants between 170-173 lbs.


“We did our research and carefully chose 60 subjects to take part in our study. Our goal was to achieve a group of individuals that was near identical, in terms of eating and exercise habits, sleep patterns, and so forth. We had to eliminate all variables possible.”

The subjects were educated on how the brain and body function prior to the study. Each subject was directed to participate in ‘digestive meditation’ by lying down after each meal to think about the food they just ate, and visualizing how their body was digesting it. Wildstein and Plutchetzky believe that by reliving each bite in the imagination and thinking about how the food is being broken down inside the body, it allows the brain to control where it stores fat and nutrients, if at all. The subjects focused  all of their energy on where they’d like the fat from each particular meal to gather on their bodies, or if they wanted it to at all. Most participants, they said, chose to just “flush the fat” from their bodies.

“I lost weight in my mid-section and I gained a cup size!” said Kim Sherbert, who was amazed at what happened to her body over the course of the study. “My husband and I are unbelievably happy. And I can’t wait to show off my new body at the beach. Just in time for the end of summer! I just couldn’t believe it was as easy as it was.”

“I’m Brazilian, but I always had a tiny butt, and I was very self-conscious of it,” said Bianca Souza, another test subject. “Throughout the study, I noticed my butt was beginning to fill out and become more round. My waist stayed tiny. I’m just in complete awe. The hardest part was not falling asleep during the digestive meditation. But I worked really hard at thinking about it, and I’m proof that applying yourself pays off! I’m so thankful to them!”

According to Wildstein, all but two of the subjects achieved their desired body goals.

“The study was a major success, and overall seems to prove the Doctor’s dietary motto of ‘If you think it, you can achieve it,'” said Wildstein. “We are extremely pleased with how everything turned out, and I think our subjects are, too!”

“We wanted to prove the brain could control weight loss, and distribution, without any physical or dietary influence,” says Plutchetzky. “I believe, without a doubt, that we accomplished this.”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

SILVER LAKE, California – empire-news-hipsters-open-food-tent-using-old-trash-food-los-angeles

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions.  Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened!  I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.


Kentucky Town Funds Private School With After-Hours Pole Dancing Classes


Barbourville, KY is in one of the most financially strapped school districts in America. With most families having a median income well below the national poverty line, public schools in this district suffer greatly and so do the students. It’s hard to imagine that a private elementary school would pop up on the map in an area riddled with such economic despair, but despite the city’s money troubles, Beam Elementary, a private school for children in first through fifth grade, opened up its doors four years ago and is thriving in the small community. Originally the school was held in one single-wide trailer. Today, the school is much larger, and consists of 4 double-wide trailers  plus the original single-wide.

Education is a major issue in today’s society. With wealthier communities comes better school districts, proven through higher test scores and the number of graduates these schools produce. The opposite holds true for poorer communities.  Public schools receive local funding and a portion of property tax revenues, while private schools are privately funded through tuition and fundraising by the parents. It is a common belief that private schools offer better education to students than public schools can, but this isn’t always true. However, private schools tend to have greater amenities available to students. Private schools often employ higher paid teachers, and have smaller class sizes. These are just some of the contributing factors that may make a private education seem more advantageous than a public education.

“We want our children to have access to proper education. I want my child to have a chance at a good life, and to get the hell out of this poverty-stricken [expletive]-hole.” says Lindsay Fuller, a mother of eight, with two more on the way. Rightfully, she wants her children to have an opportunity to receive the best education around. Six of her children are enrolled at Beam Elementary.

With financing being an obvious hurdle, the mothers of the community gathered together to brainstorm a way to raise money for the school. What they came up with, though, has caused a divide in the community over the last few years. The majority of the school is financed through revenue raised from pole dancing classes held in the school cafeteria after classes end and on the weekends.

“This a privately funded school. I don’t see why we can’t have fun, learning how to show off our privates in order to fund it. These haters are just jealous ’cause our kids are gettin’ better educated then they’s kids.” states Brittany Dunes, a mother of 3 Beam school children, and an avid attender of the pole dancing classes.

Mary Bethlems, who has a son in the public school system, is on the opposing side of the argument. She expresses her concerns to anyone who will listen, often holding one-woman pickets outside Beam on nights when they are using it for the classes.

“It’s just not right. God says it’s not right. The Bible says it’s not right. These are God’s babies! We shouldn’t be teachin’ them in the same place where this devil nonsense is happenin’! What kind of example is this settin’? What kind of lessons are they bein’ taught?! I wonder…”

While school facilities are commonly used for exercise classes across the nation, this is the first in the country that has kept their doors open through funds in any way related to sexual activity.

“There aren’t really any laws in place that constitute what is allowed and what isn’t, I don’t think. I heard that pole dancin’ classes is really becomin’ a popular sport. I get the concerns people is havin’, but I also hear the need for better schoolin’ ’round here. And this is the best school we got.” Said Louise Ross, principal at Beam Elementary. “These kids, they need a good education, and if their moms be wantin’ to learn to take off they clothes and rub they selves all over that pole in order to give they kids the smarts they never had, then why would anyone care?

California Waitress Asked To ‘Provide Proof’ She Was Menstruating In Order To Leave Work Early

PLAYA VISTA, California – empire-news-california-waitress-asked-to-prove-she-is-menstruating-before-being-allowed-to-go-home

Almost everyone has had to leave work early at one time or another, however for Andrea Greene, a 19-year-old waitress at The Red Oyster in Playa Vista, California, her management staff not only accused her of lying to leave early, but also demanded proof when Ms. Greene said that she was experiencing sickness due to her menstruation.

According to Ms. Greene, she arrived for her shift as scheduled on the 4th of July, eager to make some holiday money.

“I always like to work holidays, especially the 4th of July and St. Patrick’s Day. People always drink a lot, and tip me really big,” Said Andrea. “But in the middle of my shift, I started feeling sick, and I knew my period was coming on strong. I was the only female staff member scheduled that day, and the tampon dispenser in the restrooms has been broken for months.”

Andrea asked her coworker to cover her tables while she tried to assess her situation.

“I tried to, um, clean up, but it had already soaked my panties, and I was really starting to feel extra sick. I put toilet paper in my underwear, but I had a really long night ahead of me. I had to cut my losses on a big night of tips and try to go home early,” said Grenne.

Ms. Greene went to Alex Figueroa, her general manager, and asked that she be “cut”, which is the term used in the service industry meaning that she wouldn’t have anyone else sat at her tables, and after she finished her regular duties, she could go home.

Ms. Greene claims that her boss would not listen to her, and refused to relieve her, calling her a liar and mocking her,  citing the ‘heavy flow’ of holiday diners.

“I seriously needed to go home. I was almost bleeding through my pants. I was so uncomfortable, I decided to go over Alex’s head and speak with our executive chef, hoping he would understand. I figured that it had to be a health violation or something,” said Greene.

Despite her embarrassment, Ms. Greene went to speak with Thomas Roberts, The Red Oyster’s Execute Chef. She explained her situation to Roberts, who assumed she was just lying to get out of work so she could go party with her friends.

“He laughed in my face and told me I’d have to ‘come up with a better excuse than that’ if I wanted to go party. Then he told everyone I was on my period. I was mortified,” said Andrea. “I started to cry and told him I wasn’t lying and that this was an emergency, and that I really needed to go home. What he said after nearly made my jaw hit the floor.”

Ms. Greene claims that after ridiculing her and mocking her, Roberts told her that if she wanted to go home, she’d have to prove that she was, in fact, on her period.

“[Roberts] said that I either needed to pull down my pants and prove it, or I could just ‘hand over my bloody toilet paper and then be gone,’ which he said in a weird pirate accent. The entire kitchen staff was laughing hysterically at me. I couldn’t believe what this man just asked me to do, how he embarrassed me. I didn’t know how to handle the situation.”

Andrea states she ran out of the kitchen and called her mother, who instructed her to leave immediately and that she would help her with bills until she found another job. With her mother’s support, Andrea plans to file a lawsuit against chef Roberts, her manager, and The Red Oyster.

Figueroa thinks Andrea is blowing the entire situation out of proportion, and that no one mistreated her at all.

“Andrea has quite an imagination. There was no mistreatment of her by me or anyone on my staff. Her story is complete fabrication. I was never informed she was feeling ill at all – she just threw her apron down on the bar and ran out of the restaurant. She’s a young, needy girl searching for attention, and that’s all I care to comment pending any sort of litigation. I’d just like to mention, though, that The Red Oyster is open late, we’re affordable, and we’ve always got crabs. It’s the perfect dining destination for any occasion! Call today to make a reservation!”

Michigan Woman Arrested For ‘Eating Too Provocatively’

DEARBORN, Michigan – empire-news-michigan-woman-arrested-for-eating-too-provocatively

Lovingly referred to as “Little Lebanon” by many of its residents due to the city’s highly concentrated Lebanese population, Dearborn, Michigan was home to a rather bizarre arrest this past Saturday when Katherine Murphy, a Dearborn native of Irish descent, was grabbing a shawarma (a wrap filled with meat and vegetables) for lunch with her coworker at a popular local establishment. Two police officers approached her, claiming complaints had been made by several passerby about the way she was eating and the clothes she wore.

“I was just minding my business, eating my lunch, and all of the sudden I was being treated like a criminal, of the worst kind! A perverted criminal!” Said Katherine, who says she was wearing slacks and a button down blouse at the time of her arrest. “I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I mean – how can this be right? I have to find a lawyer, and go through a whole process. For what? For not covering my hair?”

In a bizarre situation like this, one can see how prevalent the Arab influence is in the city, especially in East Dearborn, where many of the local shops have signs written in both English and Arabic. With most businesses catering to the Arab population, it becomes more clear why Murphy stuck out like a sore thumb.

The officers arrested Murphy, citing complaints they claimed to have received about ‘a woman who was eating a shawarma in a provocative manner while exposing herself to the public.’ Murphy, who was rightfully outraged, was very vocal in her opposition of what she says was a ‘pathetic abuse of power.’

“All of the women around me were wearing hijabs, but I wasn’t. I’m not Muslim. I respect that their culture, but I don’t think I should have partake to just because I want to eat lunch. And not wearing one certainly doesn’t mean I was exposing myself!”

Modesty is a virtue valued in the Muslim community. Many women choose to cover their bodies, baring minimal to no skin, sometimes showing only the eyes, feet and hands. They rarely expose more than this to anyone beyond close relatives, to prevent a man they may marry from seeing what they look like. A hijab is a traditional scarf women wear to cover their hair, and sometimes face.

Abdullah Mouawad, Murphy’s coworker, takes her side on this issue.

“I don’t think she was eating provocatively on purpose, Katherine’s just a very attractive woman and she can’t help that a shawarma is so phallic in nature.” says Mouawad. “Police corruption of power is out of control in this city. They told her that her hair should be covered and there were plenty of places where she could buy a hijab to do so. I feel really bad because we had never been to that restaurant and it was my suggestion. I don’t even know how to help her now.”

Murphy was arrested and charged with Misdemeanor Indecent Exposure and was release on $2,000 bail while she awaits trial.

“I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I’m still really nervous. I could be put on the sex offenders list!” Murphy said, although, she hasn’t let this ordeal curb her appetite for exotic cuisine. “I’ve had two shawarma’s since, but now I just have my husband pick up carry-out.”

The two officers who arrested Murphy and their superiors refused comment for this article.

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