Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

NAPERVILLE, Illinois – Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

Security cameras positioned throughout the aisles of a local Jewel-Osco supermarket recently recorded shocking and disturbing acts of abuse.

This kind of news would prove devastating for any business, especially if that business was located in a city ranked by Money Magazine as one of the top 5 places to live in the U.S. — a reputation Naperville, IL proudly boasts.

Although the victims were defenseless, no one is rushing to notify the authorities.  The only government officials who might express concern would be employees of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  The vulnerable targets here were pinched fruits and bruised vegetables — some scarred for life.  Shelf life, that is.

Thomas Michaels, 54, produce manager at the Jewel-Osco supermarket, was fired from the position he held for the past 37 years.  “It was my first job when I was still in high school,” said Michaels.  “I’ve been there longer than anyone else.  I feel so ashamed.”

Michaels had been creating his own discounts by damaging fruits and vegetables that came into his store, then buying them at reduced prices.  “I liked to get the organics but I didn’t start off that way.  They’re more expensive,” he explained.  “The pesticides in normal foods scared me and my customers all say they aren’t good for the planet.  I guess in a way I wanted to do my part for the environment.  But it was the wrong way.  I spoiled everything.”

Michaels’ life of crime began about 8 years ago, according to his estimate.  “First I would cut a few potatoes just out of the crate.  Then I gave a cantaloupe a poke.  I guess things got serious when I started punching avocados around 2008.  The first time I put my fist through a honeydew, I felt a rush that went up into my head and then I couldn’t stop.  My doctor called it a dopamine rush and I told him I felt like a real dope for doing those things and he laughed, but then he said it was really serious.  I could tell he thought it was funny because all of a sudden he said he had to go tell the receptionist something important.  Then I heard her laugh.”

Supermarket Manager Corey Kirkland began to notice a pattern.  “Tommy was the last person you would ever think of doing anything wrong, but he broke store policy and I had to let him go.  He racked up a lot of store discounts.  One day he had a bandage wrapped around his knuckles, and I should have put 2 and 2 together — our pineapples were flying off the shelves like crazy that week.”

“I overdid it,” admitted Michaels.  “One bag full of stuff isn’t going to seem like too much.  That’s when we had paper bags, but we switched to plastic.  My organic customers got really mad when that happened, so they started to bring in cloth bags.”

“I really hope I can be rehabilitated, says Michaels.  “If I can be, then I want to ask for my job back.  I really want to because now I have to do Meals-On-Wheels since they put a restraining order on me.”

Kirkland, when asked whether he would hire Michaels again said, “It’s not up to me, but he’s a nice guy and I’d put in a good word for him.  I’d have to check all that legal stuff out with our regional manager anyway.”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

SILVER LAKE, California – empire-news-hipsters-open-food-tent-using-old-trash-food-los-angeles

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions.  Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened!  I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.


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