‘Key To The City’ Opens Bank Safe; Town Funds Go Missing


BRENTSVILLE, Tennessee –

“He seemed like a great guy,” said Mayor Sam Cannon, formerly of Brentsville, Tennessee.  “Mayor Sam,” as everyone in town calls him, didn’t move away from Brentsville; Brentsville moved away from him.

It all began last spring, when “Uncle Joe, Motivational Surgeon” came to town.

“I never heard of that before,” said Carol Cannon, First Lady of what was once Brentsville.  “He said he cured bad moods with laughter and joy medicine.  That was his ‘surgery.’  Everyone liked him – children, the shut-ins, even our town sourpuss managed to smile when Uncle Joe came around.”

Joe Castle, the self-described “Motivational Surgeon” was just what the town of Brentsville needed.  In 2008, the town’s candle factory went out of business after the price of wax tripled.  When the factory shut down, it seemed as though the soul of the town shut down with it.  One month later, “Uncle Joe” showed up with a suitcase and a twinkle in his eye.

“He did birthday parties for free, he sang songs at the retirement home, he even donated the most blood at our Founder’s Day blood drive,” said Mayor Sam.  “I thought he was gonna pass out.”

“He never missed a trick,” added Carol.  He remembered everything — always asking how people were doing in your family — we felt we had to do something for him.  That’s when I got the idea to give him the key to the city.  I just took this old key I found, and spray painted it gold and put some sparkles on it.  I’m into arts and crafts.  This whole thing is all my fault,” she sighed.

“Uncle Joe” never missed a trick indeed.  He noticed the name stamped on the back of the key – “Brentsville Safe Co.” – the very same safe company that manufactured the bank’s main vault on Main Street.

“We had a big celebration at Brentsville Park.  We haven’t had a parade like that in this town since the President came to town.  President Roosevelt, I mean,” said the Mayor.  “The next morning we got up and everything was gone.  He wiped us out.  That bastard played us like a fiddle!” he said.

“Language, Sam!” admonished Carol.

“I don’t care, that’s what he was, a two-faced, snake oil selling bastard!  He took everything we had, including the town charter and incorporation papers!  Bastard, bastard, bastard!”

After regaining his composure, Mayor Cannon said Uncle Joe was probably an old-school ‘flim-flam’ man who found out the candle factory had gone out of business, then decided to take advantage of the good nature of a vulnerable town.

“Just can’t trust people anymore,” said Cannon.  “Now we have to merge with Barkley Heights, across the river.  Bad enough they beat us in wrestling every year.  If that candle factory hadn’t gone out of business, we’d be ok.  I blame the wax lobby fat cats up in Washington.”

“Oh, Sam,” said Carol.  “There’s no such thing.  C’mon inside and have a cup of tea.  After all, it’s not the end of the world.”

Sam followed Carol inside the house.  “Bastard!” he exclaimed, as he slammed the screen door behind him.

Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

NAPERVILLE, Illinois – Grocery Store Produce Manager Purposely Bruises Fruits, Vegetables To Get Discount

Security cameras positioned throughout the aisles of a local Jewel-Osco supermarket recently recorded shocking and disturbing acts of abuse.

This kind of news would prove devastating for any business, especially if that business was located in a city ranked by Money Magazine as one of the top 5 places to live in the U.S. — a reputation Naperville, IL proudly boasts.

Although the victims were defenseless, no one is rushing to notify the authorities.  The only government officials who might express concern would be employees of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  The vulnerable targets here were pinched fruits and bruised vegetables — some scarred for life.  Shelf life, that is.

Thomas Michaels, 54, produce manager at the Jewel-Osco supermarket, was fired from the position he held for the past 37 years.  “It was my first job when I was still in high school,” said Michaels.  “I’ve been there longer than anyone else.  I feel so ashamed.”

Michaels had been creating his own discounts by damaging fruits and vegetables that came into his store, then buying them at reduced prices.  “I liked to get the organics but I didn’t start off that way.  They’re more expensive,” he explained.  “The pesticides in normal foods scared me and my customers all say they aren’t good for the planet.  I guess in a way I wanted to do my part for the environment.  But it was the wrong way.  I spoiled everything.”

Michaels’ life of crime began about 8 years ago, according to his estimate.  “First I would cut a few potatoes just out of the crate.  Then I gave a cantaloupe a poke.  I guess things got serious when I started punching avocados around 2008.  The first time I put my fist through a honeydew, I felt a rush that went up into my head and then I couldn’t stop.  My doctor called it a dopamine rush and I told him I felt like a real dope for doing those things and he laughed, but then he said it was really serious.  I could tell he thought it was funny because all of a sudden he said he had to go tell the receptionist something important.  Then I heard her laugh.”

Supermarket Manager Corey Kirkland began to notice a pattern.  “Tommy was the last person you would ever think of doing anything wrong, but he broke store policy and I had to let him go.  He racked up a lot of store discounts.  One day he had a bandage wrapped around his knuckles, and I should have put 2 and 2 together — our pineapples were flying off the shelves like crazy that week.”

“I overdid it,” admitted Michaels.  “One bag full of stuff isn’t going to seem like too much.  That’s when we had paper bags, but we switched to plastic.  My organic customers got really mad when that happened, so they started to bring in cloth bags.”

“I really hope I can be rehabilitated, says Michaels.  “If I can be, then I want to ask for my job back.  I really want to because now I have to do Meals-On-Wheels since they put a restraining order on me.”

Kirkland, when asked whether he would hire Michaels again said, “It’s not up to me, but he’s a nice guy and I’d put in a good word for him.  I’d have to check all that legal stuff out with our regional manager anyway.”

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