FLINT, Michigan –
According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.
Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.
“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”
According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
It’s not just the artificial chemicals they put in the cleaning products that may cause you to get sick. When your body’s bacteria does not build up with a protective layering of grease or an oily repellent with the consistency of soap scum, you’re going to get infected with diseases and viruses. That grease is what shields your body.
“In the old days they believed taking a bath wasn’t good for you. We’ve started to see there actually was a bit of wisdom in that,” said scientist George Rogers. “Bathing too frequently really can cause a host of diseases, up to and including Cancer. Sure you won’t smell like Garnier Fructis or Downy fresh, but that’s better than cancer and chemo.”
According to Rogers’ study, washing is both bad for your complexion and your hair. You become addicted to it and produce more grease to compensate.
“Sure, for a while you will go through an oily phase as your body readjusts. Once your body is back in balance, no one will be able to tell you don’t start your day with a shower,” said Rogers. “Please, for your health and your family’s health, stop bathing immediately.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.
“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”
Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.
“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”
Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”