LOS ANGELES, California –
Companies such as Oreo, Coca-Cola, Burger King, and even Marlboro cigarettes have begun offering hefty paychecks to people who are willing to use their own body as walking billboards – and people are lining up to get the job.
“I was struggling to make ends meet, but Oreo pays me damn good money to wear their logo on my head,” said Shaniqua Sh’niqua, 36. “Only downside is how damn hungry I get all the time now. Wish I could just open my own skull and pull out some Oreos, but it just can’t happen!”
A spokesman for Coca-Cola, who also has been paying people to brand themselves, says that they like the combination of people showing brand-loyalty, as well as the advertising.
“In this day and age, we pay YouTube ‘celebrities’ to talk about our product, and they get the word out. This is another step to talk about our product,” said Coca-Cola spokesman George Glass. “If you see someone on the street with their hear dyed red and the Coke logo painted in, you’re going to ask them about it. And we paid them a good amount to do that to themselves. We’ll pay even more if you tattoo our logo on your body. We’ll pay extreme amounts if you’ll tattoo your face.”
Many companies have said they’ve seen a spike in sales after they began paying people to advertise for them, and several giant corporations say they’re “watching the trend” closely.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.
Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.
“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”
Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.
“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”
Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.
CHELSEA, New York –
Oreo, America’s favorite chocolate cookies with the cream center, announced today that they would be changing the color of their cookies after rumors of racist behavior by the company.
“We have received threats against out headquarters and factories, alleging that the cookies we make are representative of two black men sexually assaulting a white woman, based on our chocolate cookies with the white cream,” said Oreo representative Vanessa Jill. “Although we obviously think these rumors are stupid and baseless, we can’t have people threaten our company and employees and not take action. As such, we have decided to change the color of our cookies to show that they are in no way racist or sex related.”
According to Jill, Oreo – which is owned by Nabisco – plans to change the color of their cookies to a lightly-toned magenta, almost a ‘hazy purple,’ a color they say they have researched and determined that no one ethnicity lays claim to.
“We have been dyeing our cookies that dark black since the beginning, and we’ve always been able to change the cream color depending on the flavor of any special edition,” said Jill. “We will now begin dyeing the cookies magenta, in hopes that no one will be offended by our cookies anymore.”
“That is so offensive, like, ohmygod,” said LGBT Alliance member Charlie Day. “I mean, it’s totally clear that Oreo is trying to make a gay reference, putting two hot pink cookies outside of a nice, white filling. Obviously they’re trying to rile up us gays, and it’s working. We will definitely be fighting this choice, and pushing for more neutral colors.”
“Oh give me a Goddamn break,” said Jill. “It’s a cookie. Just eat it, and shut the hell up already.”