WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.
It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.
“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”
Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.
“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”
If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.
TOKYO, Japan –
Christmas is big in Japan this year, but the hottest selling toy was not for kids. According to reports, Japan had record sales in the sex-toy industry in 2015.
Although many look at a sexed up Christmas as blasphemous, Japan’s spiritual community is made up of Shintos and Buddhists so naturally the holiday has nothing to do with Christ. It’s about being merry, and what brings more merriment than glow in the dark sex-toys? It’s also the season for executives to buy for their secretaries.
“We sold over 43 million dildos and other toys this year,” said RubbaDubba CEO Toyki Misaka. “They are very good to use for happiness.”
These black light reactive adult toys are perfect for the rave orgy scene in clubs of Tokyo, and Osaka. On the black market, ecstasy sales also spiked in 2015, although the leading black market commodity is still underage prostitutes.
TOKYO, Japan –
The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.
“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”
The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.
“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”
Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.
TOKYO, Japan –
Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.
“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”
While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.
“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”
In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.
TOKYO, Japan –
For the last several years, Japanese teens have been spending plenty of money on a massive trend mostly favored by the dance club scene, wherein surgeons will permanently dye and change the color or design of their eyes. The insane trend, which began in late 2008, has finally made its way to the United States, with many plastic surgeons saying they cannot keep up with the demand from clients.
“I have had about 20 teens over the last 2 weeks all come in to have their eyes changed, dyed, and decorated,” said Dr. Marsha Lawrence, of Lawrence Plastic Surgery in Los Angeles. “It’s insane. The technology is very new, even with the year that it has been happening overseas, so the risks are still high. Sadly, of those 20 teens, 3 of them have already completely lost their eyesight. They say they don’t mind, though, as their eyes look awesome.”
Teens across the country have been making appointments with plastic surgeons to have eye work, as the trend is so new it isn’t currently regulated, and is open to anyone of any age.
“I have done it to anyone younger than 14 myself,” said Dr. Lawrence. “I know, though, of some colleagues that have done children as young as 9. They really love it.”
Parents are urged to talk to their children about FX contacts, instead.
TOKYO, Japan –
Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.
According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.
“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”
According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.
“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”
Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.
TOKYO, Japan –
Sony International, the company behind the Playstation 4 video game console, is under some serious scrutiny after a set of internal documents were leaked detailing the manufacturing process of the company’s popular video game controllers.
“It seems that Sony has been using the noses of dead dogs to create the grips on the joystick of their controllers for quite some time,” said investigator Joe Goldsmith. “All the way back to the original Playstation console, the company has been buying the carcasses of dead dogs in bulk, shipping them from all over the world to their headquarters in Japan, for purposes of using the skin from the noses as the material for the joystick.”
In the documents, Sony CEO Nah Bro Li said that the company had tried “many different options” for the joystick grips before landing on the noses of dogs.
“Nothing works better than dog nose for the small grips of the joystick,” read the text in one of the memos. “This, though, would be very bad for the public to hear, and we would have many animal rights activists at our door. This is something we want to continue doing, but with great secrecy.”
“Clearly they could be using anything else to make these,” said Goldsmith. “Rubber is the first thing that comes to mind, for example. Sony has showed a clear lack of compassion for animals in using the noses of dogs to make their controllers. On the other hand, it does explain why they are $60 a pop. At this time, we believe all the dogs they used were already dead by other causes. It’s a great thing to discover now, though, before the company had that chance to start paying people to kill dogs strictly for their use. ”
Private investigators hired by PETA and other animal rights groups have begun digging into other company’s controllers as well, including those made by Microsoft for their XBox systems, as well as leading 3rd party manufacturer Mad Katz.