AUGUSTA, Maine –
A United Nations employee who worked on the intake of refugees fleeing to the United States seeking asylum has contracted a serious and as-yet-unknown skin condition that is causing panic among government workers.
According to doctors, Mark Shawl, who has worked for the U.N. for over 20 years, came in contact with an infected Syrian refugee and contracted a serious and potentially contagious skin condition.
“Mr Shawl’s skin has formed extreme and vile callouses over most of his body, but especially on his hands,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the Maine State General Hospital in Augusta. “At this point were are not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing the disorder, but we are taking measures to ensure that this condition does not spread further.”
Dr. Brown says that Mr. Shawl’s fingers are getting the worst of it, and one has become so hard and brittle that it has begun to fall off.
“So far, Mr. Shawl is the only one this heavily infected by whatever is causing the issue,” said Dr. Brown. “Unfortunately, he is not the only one entirely. Several other people have since come into our location with similar issues. We are working jointly with the US Department of Health to discover the cause.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.
“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”
“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”
When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.
“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”