U.S. Government To Officially Recognize 287 Genders As Part of New Anti-Discrimination Laws

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to current laws, there are only two official “genders” that are legally protected in anti-discrimination laws – male and female. It would be illegal to stop a man from working at Victoria Secret, no matter how weird it would be, for example. It’s a legally protected right. That might be the most basic of the current rulings, but things are about to get a whole lot more complicated.

According to lawmakers, new anti-discrimination laws are currently being written, with the U.S. Government planning to add an additional 285 genders to their list, including “binary,” “non-binary,” “gender fluid,” “gender queer,” and many more. This is in a full attempt to make sure that everyone is included.

“We just want to make sure that everyone, no matter how stupid their personal choice, is equally protected and represented by our laws and government,” said representative John Miller, R – Delaware. “I personally think it’s retarded, but hey, what do I know? I figure whatever is between your legs right now, that’s your gender. But a lot of little pansies are getting offended and triggered by that, so we have to make changes. My 16-year-old daughter now she identifies a genderless, binary, queeratron mecharobot, but with slightly gay tendencies and a hardcore drug problem. Fuck does that even mean? That’s not a gender.”

Whether or not the people in charge of making the laws agree with them, at least they are making progress.

“Yeah, we’re doing our best. My daughter’s stupid unicorn robot fucking…shit, I’ve already forgotten. Whatever, that isn’t being included specifically, but at least we’re making strides, I guess,” said Miller. “God, this is so stupid. She’s a girl, and I’ll beat that notion right into her later.”

Transgender People Not Allowed To Use Any Public Restroom In Georgia Thanks To New Laws

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.

“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”

Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.

“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”

“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”