CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

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STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Spousal Abuse Arrests Prompt MMA Fighters To Change In-Ring Nicknames

ORANGE COUNTY, California – After Several Spousal Abuse Arrests, MMA Fighters Look To Quickly Change Their In-Ring Nicknames

After professional MMA fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested yesterday following a police standoff, several other fighters throughout the MMA world quickly worked to scrap their existing nicknames in place of gentler, more mild-sounding in-ring names.

“If Jason’s nickname wasn’t ‘Mayhem,’ he probably wouldn’t be looking at jail time,” said fighter Mark “The Killer” Hudson. “I don’t want to appear like a violent guy. I’m a professional fighter, but that’s just in the ring. Someday someone I know will end up dead, and they’ll come right to me. ‘Well, his name is The Killer,’ they’ll say. F— that. From now on, I’m going to be known as Mark ‘The Loving Friend and Husband’ Hudson.”

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Over the last several months, multiple arrests have been made on professional cage fighters, including several from major MMA company the UFC. In August of 2014, UFC fighter Jonathan Koppenhaver, who goes by the name ‘War Machine,’ was arrested for an alleged assault on his porn star girlfriend Christy Mack.

“That’s another example of just a horrible, abysmal name choice,” said Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson. “I don’t think I’m going to stick with Rampage, that’s for sure. All these guys getting arrested, I need to tone it down. I don’t beat my girlfriend or wife like some of these guys, but you have to understand, if Mayhem’s name was ‘Friendly’ or ‘Mr. Hugs’ or something, no one would believe he was guilty. Because of his name, it’s assumed by the public and any potential jury, automatically, that’s he’s an abusive sonofabitch.”

Jackson went on to say that he would like to be referred to as “Dr. Love” in future bouts. Several other professional MMA fighters, including Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva, Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran, and Christoph “I Beat My Wife Regularly” Jones also say that are considering changing or dropping their nicknames from promotional materials and are asking announcers to stop use as well.

WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

One of the most popular professional wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take a new step in his career. John Cena, both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be taking away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this month

It has been announced that Cena, who has been training under MMA legend Chuck Liddell for several months, will face his first professional fight in mid-October.

At this point, it is unclear who Cena will be facing in his initial bout, but UFC sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any ‘all-star’ fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea to fighting in the MMA arena from fellow pro-wrestler and one-time UFC champion Brock Lesner, but fans and sports insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on the ‘real fights’ of the UFC.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters, throwing real punches and kicks,” said UFC president Dana White. “Cena is not taking this lightly, like the hits he takes in the WWE. I mean, there is almost a 100% certainty that he is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming. Cena is a marvelous showman, and  will certainly put on a great show for us in the UFC.”

Cena did speak to the press, and although not very clear about his wrestling future, he was very concerned about his upcoming fight for the UFC.

“Whoever they have me facing, he is going to wish that the fight was as staged as pro wrestling. For decades the WWE, and wrestling in general, have been the joke of the sports world,” said Cena. “They see people like me, jacked and ‘pretending,’ and they think I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100 percent. I’ve been in the ring. I’ve been in front of Hollywood cameras. This is just the next notch in my belt. Wrestling may be pre-determined, but it’s not fake. I didn’t tear my pectoral muscle completely in half playing hopscotch.”

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but so far nothing is signed on paper. Kimbo Slice, who became famous after internet videos showed him in street fights dominating contenders, turned out to be a complete joke once he entered the UFC, losing every match. He was released from his contract with the company, but they have agreed to possibly sign him for this one final bout against Cena.

The WWE has Cena under contract, and judging by the amount of publicity he raises for the company, not to mention the millions of dollars he makes for owner Vince McMahon, that contract probably has an end date of ‘never.’ The company has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in WWE events, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

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