United’s Settlement With Dr. David Dao Was Reportedly Only $800 And Free Flight

CHICAGO, Illinois –

United Airlines, who stupidly took responsibility for the treatment of unruly jerk passenger Dr. David Dao, has reportedly reached a settlement with Dao, but the outcome is not what most people expected.

According to an anonymous source close to the negotiations, Dr. Dao received only the originally offered $800, and a free flight to anywhere in the continental United States.

“David knew that he was at fault here,” said the source. “Yes, the airline has a stupid policy, but he knew he still mouthed off to cops, and didn’t simply leave the plane like the other passengers that were asked to do so. He caused a scene, and was a total prick in the situation. He knew all that, so when United offered the $800 they had originally promised when bumping him, he jumped at the opportunity before they took it away completely.”

The full details of the settlement are under wraps, but the source says that he is “100% positive” of the details, but Dr. Dao was forced to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”