HONOLULU, Hawaii –
Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.
“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”
Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.
MIAMI, Florida –
Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.
“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”
When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.
“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”
Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.
“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”