11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

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FREEMONT, Nevada – 

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Man Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens, Forced To Probe Them

Man Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens, Forced To Probe Them

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

Paul Young, 32, of Lexington, Kentucky, says that he was abducted by aliens sometime last month, and despite what people are always saying, the aliens had no desire to probe him anally.

“To be honest, I was kinda looking forward to a little anal probing from some intergalactic sex gods,” said Young to a local newspaper. “They were completely turned off by the idea, though. Turns out, aliens prefer for us to do the probing on them. It was still a really surreal experience.”

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Young says that while walking through town late at night in mid-March, he spotted a hovering object on the horizon, and no sooner had he been able to get a look at it and try to comprehend what he was seeing, it vanished.

“It literally just ‘poofed!’ out of the air, and it was gone,” said Young. “I naturally thought I was imagining it, because I was tripping something major on some great shrooms, but then out of nowhere, it appeared over my head, and a giant beam of green light came down, washing over me. I got really warm, and then I was sucked up into their ship.”

Young claims that he was kept on board their spacecraft for over a week, while they forced him to probe their anuses, massage their tenticles, and cook them food.

“It really wasn’t that bad. I kind of liked it, actually,” said Young. “It’s been hard to find a man down here, and they really knew how to treat a guy up there in the ship. Honestly, I hope that they come back again. I’m always down for a little more probing, if you know what I mean.”

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