DARWIN, West Virginia –
Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.
“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”
Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.
“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”
The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.
KALAMAZOO, Florida –
A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.
John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.
“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”
Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.
“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”
PORTLAND, Oregon –
Mark Jones, 33, has died today after his wife, Rebecca, forced him to spend his entire day off from his construction job doing odd-jobs around the house.
Rebecca and Mark had been married for only 6 months, but friends close to Mark say that ever since the day of their wedding, Rebecca became a “different person,” and they had barely spoken to Mark in weeks.
“Before they got married, everything was great for Mark. You couldn’t wipe the smile off his face,” said best friend Ricky Smith. “He was always gloating about all the mouth-Js he was getting. How she couldn’t stay off of him. How she’d cook him fancy steak dinners and ride him, cowgirl style, while he played Call of Duty. To be honest, we were all really jealous.”
Another friend, Chris Lambert, says that all changed as soon as they got married.
“I just talked to Mark about a week ago. First time in 2 months. He told me how she hadn’t touched him since their wedding night, and even then, he just got a limp-wristed old fashioned,” said Lambert. “Apparently, Rebecca knew exactly what to say and do to get Mark married, and after they were, she really laid into him.”
Mark Jones owned one of the biggest construction companies in the United States, and was worth an estimated $1.9 billion. His wife is set to inherit the entire estate. Police say they believe the death was accidental.
TAMPA, Florida –
Joel Lewis, 38, freely admitted in court that he murdered his wife, Joanne Lewis, 36, after 10 years of marriage. Although at that point prosecutors thought their job was finished, in a surprise twist, the jury found Lewis not guilty after learning the reason for Lewis’ act.
“My wife had not had sex with me in over 5 years,” said Lewis while on the stand, confessing. “It was a nightmare. I don’t need anything special. Just some missionary once in a while, maybe a good mouth-j on my birthday, but Joanne hadn’t even touched me in years. I promised to never betray her, and I just couldn’t cheat on her morally. I didn’t ever promise not to bludgeon her to death with one of her giant dildos, though.”
Prosecutors were seeking life in the murder case, but the jury foreman, Mark Richards, says that he didn’t see how he could possibly fault Lewis for his actions.
“There was 9 men and 3 women on the jury, and even the 3 women couldn’t believe what happened,” said Richards after the trial ended. “We only deliberated for about 3 minutes, and we went right back. We knew we had to vote not guilty.”
Lewis was immediately freed after spending the last 9 months in jail during his trial. He says that he is “extremely glad” that the jury understood what happened, and that he was just “so excited” to get back to his life.
STOCKTON, California –
Within hours of his release from prison Tuesday morning, internet sensation and ‘sexy felon’ Jeremy Meeks was found dead, according to Stockton Police reports.
Police say that they received a call around 1AM Wednesday morning from an anonymous source who said they thought they saw a body in an alleyway in Stockton. When they arrived on the scene, police found Meeks barely alive, suffering from multiple contusions and stab wounds. Meeks was rushed to a local Stockton hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.
Investigators are saying that Meeks was picked up by his mother after posting bail and leaving the prison on Tuesday, and the two returned to her home, where Meeks’ wife Lashanda was waiting. The couple reportedly had been having issues prior to Meeks’ arrest, and a fight erupted soon after he arrived home. So far, police have no further information on how Meeks’ ended up so severely wounded several blocks from his mother’s house, but they believe that he may have been stabbed and left for dead. An autopsy is scheduled for next week.
Detectives interviewed Meeks’ mother at her home, and wife Lashanda was taken in for continued questioning. Officers allege that either Lashanda or someone she knows or hired may have been responsible for Meeks’ death. Police Chief Tom Morris said investigators found a knife and several pieces of bloody clothing at the scene, but do not have any further information. A DNA test on the evidence could be back as soon as August.
“The investigation is ongoing,” said Morris. “At this time, we are investigating all possible suspects. We would appreciate anyone with any information coming forward and contacting us or their local branch of the FBI.”