LOS ANGELES, California –
In an extremely shocking move, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most ‘celebrated’ members of the LGBQT community in Hollywood, has announced publicly that she is leaving wife of 8 years Portia de Rossi. The shocking information comes hot on the heels of leaked photos of the public figure out and about in Hollywood with a new beau who, curiously, is a man.
“It is true that Portia and I are parting ways, although we remain extremely close friends,” said Ellen on her talk show last week. “I would love to keep my private life, well, private, as I did for many years, but I know that will not happen, because people are obsessed with the love lives of people they don’t know. Especially if that love life involves hot lesbian action.”
As for the man who paparazzi have photographed on multiple situations with DeGeneres, so far the star has remained mum on who it is.
“He is not a celebrity or anyone of note, and he is someone with whom I have been friends with for a long time,” said DeGeneres. “While this is all very new as far as a relationship is concerned, our love is definitely not new. He’s always been there for me, and I for him, even while I was with Portia. Now we are just taking that friendship to a new level. I mean, I have to see what all this penis fuss is all about, don’t I?”
HOLLYWOOD, California –
The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason.
“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!”
“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”
“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”