WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.
The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.
“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”
A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their children’s bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and “clickbait bullshit” articles they’ve seen posted on their social media pages.
“Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in,” said Maria Jones, 38. “With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. It’s a huge letdown.”
“Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this,” said Chris Richards, 29. “We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, there’s just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but where’s my MDMA?!”
City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the city’s trick-or-treating.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.
Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.
During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.
“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”
PENSACOLA, Florida –
Former President George H.W. Bush was rushed to a Florida hospital after he said he “felt dizzy” on Thursday morning, and doctors say that he may have been suffering from low blood pressure.
“Honestly, he just is getting up there in years, but he’s actually pretty damn healthy considering,” said Dr. Jimmy Clinton. “He came in a little dizzy and lightheaded, but we gave him some IV fluids and a heart pill, and he was laughing and joking, slapping nurses on the ass, having a grand old time.”
Bush has been in and out of the hospital several times in as many months, including a recent scare right after his wife, Barbara, passed away.
“Yes, that was a tough time for us all here,” said Dr. Clinton. “Barbara was an amazing woman, and when George was brought in only days after she died, we thought he might be ready to join her – but instead, he rolled on out of here in only a couple days. Frankly, he is ready to go home this time, too. Yeah, I don’t think he’ll last the weekend here at the hospital. He’ll be home soon.”
NEW BRIGHTON, California –
Tampax, a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.
“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”
According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.
“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”
The product is expected to hit the market next month.
SACRAMENTO, California –
Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.
Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.
“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”
According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.
“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Todd Riley, 31, was diagnosed with type 1, or “juvenille” diabetes when he was 3 years old, and has always had to make sure to carry an insulin pump or a candy bar with him wherever he goes. That is, until last year, when Riley began his journey to purposely contract type 2 diabetes.
“It’s pretty simple, really,” said Riley, a former construction worker. “I have type 1 diabetes, and my blood sugar was always dangerously low. If I gain a bunch of weight and become a type 2 diabetic, my blood sugar will skyrocket, basically making me normal.”
Doctors have cautioned Riley that it “doesn’t work that way,” but Riley has said that he thinks doctors are just trying to keep him skinny so that they can continue medicating him.
“I pay thousands of dollars for my medication, and I’ve found a way to beat their system, and they’re terrified,” said Riley.
Riley, who was always very skinny most of his life, gained over 300 pounds since late 2016, and says that he has “happily” come closer to becoming a type 2 diabetic.
“I figure within the next couple of months, I will finally be able to control my diabetes naturally,” said Riley. “It’s really a great feeling.”
HORNWOOD, South Carolina –
A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.
As reported by World News Daily Report:
Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.
The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.
The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.
The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.
“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”
The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.
From World News Daily Report:
Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.
In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.
“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”
These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.
“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.”
In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.
This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.
He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.
Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.
How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.
“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”
The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.