SACRAMENTO, California –
Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.
Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.
“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”
According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.
“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Todd Riley, 31, was diagnosed with type 1, or “juvenille” diabetes when he was 3 years old, and has always had to make sure to carry an insulin pump or a candy bar with him wherever he goes. That is, until last year, when Riley began his journey to purposely contract type 2 diabetes.
“It’s pretty simple, really,” said Riley, a former construction worker. “I have type 1 diabetes, and my blood sugar was always dangerously low. If I gain a bunch of weight and become a type 2 diabetic, my blood sugar will skyrocket, basically making me normal.”
Doctors have cautioned Riley that it “doesn’t work that way,” but Riley has said that he thinks doctors are just trying to keep him skinny so that they can continue medicating him.
“I pay thousands of dollars for my medication, and I’ve found a way to beat their system, and they’re terrified,” said Riley.
Riley, who was always very skinny most of his life, gained over 300 pounds since late 2016, and says that he has “happily” come closer to becoming a type 2 diabetic.
“I figure within the next couple of months, I will finally be able to control my diabetes naturally,” said Riley. “It’s really a great feeling.”
HORNWOOD, South Carolina –
A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.
As reported by World News Daily Report:
Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.
The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.
The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.
The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.
“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”
The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.
From World News Daily Report:
Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.
In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.
“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”
These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.
“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.”
In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.
This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.
He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.
Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.
How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.
“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”
The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
We’ve all heard before how over-washing or over sanitizing your hands can be bad, because it can cause bacteria and germs to mutate, and become harder to kill. Well, it turns out that wasn’t just another old wive’s tale.
Researchers at Harvard Medical College in Boston have discovered a new strain of “super bacteria” that has already claimed the lives of over 600 people, all because those people had a weakened immune system from over-washing and over sanitizing their hands.
“We tested 480 of the 600 people assumed to have died from this ‘super microbial bacteria,'” said research head Dr. Charles Marvin. “All of the tested subjects proved positive for this new strain. With this much strong evidence, we can conclude that over 600 people have died from this new bug. At this time, we don’t believe there would be a way to vaccinate from, or cure this disease.”
Dr. Marvin is recommending that people stop washing their hands with soap or sanitizing when in public buildings and restrooms.
“Unless you’ve straight pooped on your hands, then don’t worry about washing, it’s really not that big of a deal,” said Dr. Marvin. “And even then, consider maybe just wiping off the poop with a towel if that does happen, for some reason.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.
According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.
“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”
The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.
“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”
When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.
“Thanks, Trump,” said Thomas.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:
These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.
“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco. The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.
“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”
Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.
Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law, which is set to take effect in January.
“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”
When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.
An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.
The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.
“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”
The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.
“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”