Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

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Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

STANFORD, California – 

Following its announcement last week that it plans to offer free tuition to students from families earning under $125 000 a year, Stanford University has followed up with a new policy, which will allow students with no educational background to study for free. The one caveat is that they must be capable of playing a sport really really well. When implemented, the elite institution will be the first to have a program of this kind.

“It is our belief that students who play a sport really really well deserve to be educated at a university level,” Don Harbinger, Dean of the Stanford School of Athletics, told prospective students. “Although they may not have completed high school, perhaps not even grade school, everyone here wants them to join. Especially if they play football.”

Youths looking to study in college next year rejoiced. Football players especially made known their intentions to make a big difference at this revolutionary university, saying that they are forever grateful to Stanford for giving them this opportunity.

“I is goana Standfort, muddafuckas,” 18 year old football player Jonas deMirallas shouted. “I da beee-est in da wurld goana beee-est univernisy!”

“My daddy said I dumbo,” added Mitch McCormack, 21. “Not zero in family mine made colledge. I’m first woohoo woohoo.”

Education experts have also hailed the college for this groundbreaking program, with some adding that it is long overdue.

“We’ve been telling colleges to do this for years,” said Merle Adler, textbook editor. “The possibilities now open to dumb idiots who play sports really really well are amazing. We will see our education system truly shine!”

Other universities around America are scrambling to implement their own version of the Stanford initiative. Among these are Ohio State, Alabama, Florida State, and TCU.

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

STANFORD, California – Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

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Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer.  Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

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