Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

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Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

STANFORD, California – 

Following its announcement last week that it plans to offer free tuition to students from families earning under $125 000 a year, Stanford University has followed up with a new policy, which will allow students with no educational background to study for free. The one caveat is that they must be capable of playing a sport really really well. When implemented, the elite institution will be the first to have a program of this kind.

“It is our belief that students who play a sport really really well deserve to be educated at a university level,” Don Harbinger, Dean of the Stanford School of Athletics, told prospective students. “Although they may not have completed high school, perhaps not even grade school, everyone here wants them to join. Especially if they play football.”

Youths looking to study in college next year rejoiced. Football players especially made known their intentions to make a big difference at this revolutionary university, saying that they are forever grateful to Stanford for giving them this opportunity.

“I is goana Standfort, muddafuckas,” 18 year old football player Jonas deMirallas shouted. “I da beee-est in da wurld goana beee-est univernisy!”

“My daddy said I dumbo,” added Mitch McCormack, 21. “Not zero in family mine made colledge. I’m first woohoo woohoo.”

Education experts have also hailed the college for this groundbreaking program, with some adding that it is long overdue.

“We’ve been telling colleges to do this for years,” said Merle Adler, textbook editor. “The possibilities now open to dumb idiots who play sports really really well are amazing. We will see our education system truly shine!”

Other universities around America are scrambling to implement their own version of the Stanford initiative. Among these are Ohio State, Alabama, Florida State, and TCU.

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