Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards to Reward Pushy, Attention-Seeking Parents of Child Actors

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ORLANDO, Florida –

The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards for 2015 were held just last week, but already the organization has announced plans for 2016’s event. Nickelodeon intends to increase the amount of awards available, including a category for parents who are best using their children to get famous. The often maligned demographic is said to have campaigned for this award for years, with the justification that they got their children where they are today.

“Without us, our kids would be nothing more than normal, school going children. Plebeians,” said Martha Dimant, head of Child Actors’ Parents (CAP). “We pushed from when they were in the womb and we didn’t stop when they emerged, slimy and disgusting. We made them beautiful, we made them act, sing, and model. And we deserve the credit.”

Sources at Nickelodeon indicate that there was much opposition to including this award, saying it compromises their image of being a healthy way for children to grow up. But, as always, the pushy mothers got what they wanted.

“It’s not a popular move, and will isolate some important members of the corporation,” said one source, on condition of anonymity. “The danger, however, was that parents would stop making their children work from the day they were born, and that there would therefore be a dearth of actors to choose from for future productions. Keeping those parents happy is our greatest priority.”

Unacknowledged parents of former child actors will also get a shot at appreciation, with a further category going to those hard workers who’ve been forgotten. This will be in order to show that this is not just an “in” trend – it spans across generations of fathers and mothers whose only dream was to do what’s best for their kids to get on television.

Other new awards will include categories for talent scouts who manipulated children into signing away much of the riches they’ll earn in their youth careers; grandparents who made the parents feel so inadequate they had to sacrifice their children in order to make themselves feel worthwhile; and the few child actors who make it into adult stardom – and maintain the illusion that this is a good way to get a celebrity career kickstarted.

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pac-Man onto Streets

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

On April 1st this year, Google turned its online Maps application into a game of Pac-Man, on the very streets of your hometown. But 6 days after April Fool’s, it seems the option is here to stay, and the world’s largest search engine have announced that adding such features to Maps will be an annual tradition. What we can look forward to in 2016, is our streets literally turning into a giant game of Pac-Man.

“There’ll be big yellow Pac-Men gliding along the roads, eating ephemeral pills and running away from ghosts, Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde,” Herman Melpille, the man behind the initiative, said in a press release. “Road users will be able to impact the game by bashing their cars into the soft characters, causing them to change direction and compromising the strength of the ghosts.”

The game is but a small part of a larger process, which will see Google take over 60% of the world’s streets over the next year.

“Google is moving beyond online maps and into the real world. They’ll be digitalizing the earth’s terrain, starting with first world countries but eventually moving on to those still developing,” explained tech website, Slate. “They’ll be revolutionizing not just the way we look at the world, but how life actually works. The Google car will be the beginning, but eventually our streets and buildings will belong to Google.”

Analysts speculate that the release of games such as Pac-Man is an attempt to soften the public towards their slow takeover. The web giants know that humanity can be appeased by offers of free entertainment.

“We’ve seen it in the past,” Martin Scorpese told Empire News. “With their takeover of the internet, came games such as Plants Vs Zombies. Let’s be honest, that’s not great but it caught the public’s imagination. YouTube was a stroke of genius – endless hours of free entertainment to make the fact that Google captures our most embarrassing moments.”

Among other initiatives rumored to be in the pipelines, are Super Mario characters running around the pipelines, plants actually resisting a zombie apocalypse, and a chance to rescue a princess from an evil gorilla atop a tall building.

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

When Amazon released their new product last week, many thought it was an early April Fool’s joke. The Amazon Dash is a tangible version of their online, One-Click purchase capability. Simply press the button and household items will automatically be reordered.

But the Amazon Dash may actually prove useful in the long run. Here are 10 reasons you may consider making it part of your household:

No more time spent considering whether or not you really need new toilet tissue.
Teaches children that a new gadget can actually be really unexciting.
Gives you something to do on the toilet besides playing Candy Crush.
Allows paralysed individuals who can only use their fingers to experience the joys of shopping like everyone else.
We all need a bit more Amazon in our lives.
When Amazon finally uses drones for everything, can create a fun family game of pressing the button and shooting down your delivery.
Pets can be further anthropomorphised by learning to order their own food.
Machines can be further anthropomorphised by ordering own refills, bringing us ever closer to the glory days of robot domination.
Lord it over friends who have to press “A” in their URL line, wait until Amazon.com is autofilled, press enter, and only then order their products.
Archeologists in the future will find them attached to our walls, and understand that the second ice age was actually good in some ways.

There are plenty of people who say that the device is a “waste of money,” but rumors exist that those people are “firmly grasped in reality,” and their opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.

Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WORLDWIDE –

Did the Easter weekend allow you to spend time with your families, relax, and enjoy life for once? If so, you’re in good company. Bunnies around the world celebrated the rare opportunity to enjoy a healthy meal of chocolate eggs, while glowing in the glory of the one time of the year that they have prominence. The tradition of the Easter Bunny is long-running, and is connected to their love of chocolate, and their abstinence through the rest of the year.

The New Testament states that, “One weekend a year, the bunnies shall inherit the earth.” However, a caveat states that they have the responsibility to, “deliver chocolate eggs to all, and eat chocolate only in that period of the cycle of the sun (Matthew 3:15).”

“Easter is always very special to us,” head of the bunnies, Hopper McJumpstein told reporters. “Most of the year we’re derided as something for dogs to chase; our feet are cut off by people for superstitious good luck; little children buy us and immediately stop feeding us and cry when we run away. But on Easter, no one is more important than the rabbits. Well okay, Jesus Christ is pretty important… But aside from him.”

Pope Francis greeted bunnies visiting the Vatican with enthusiasm, and a smile wider than that he usually portrays.

“I’m a big fan of Bugs Bunny,” he announced to a cheering crowd. “These rabbits will be protected by the Vatican. That is a promise for all time.”

Producers of chocolate also rejoiced, adding that they too are derided as unhealthy for humans and animals alike, but this time of the year they get to play a part in religious destiny.

“Our ancestor, Willy Wonka, is surely looking down on us with grace and joy,” Nestle announced. “We know that he is proud of what we’ve done, and the impact we have on the spiritual world. Without us, chocolates and bunnies would experience only persecution. What we have done is make the humble into happy beings.”

New Jay-Z Streaming Service ‘Tidal’ to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New music service, Tidal, has prided itself as being the first artist owned music streaming service. Sean “Jay-Z” Carter is the most prominent name on the list of owners, and reportedly the man who brought the service to popularity amongst other performers. The goal of the service is to make more money for Jay-Z and his brand.

“I make music. I love music. I make money. I love money,” said Jay-Z. “Therefore it makes sense to use this excellent service to pursue those things I love.”

Other names signed on as owners include Carter’s wife Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West and Madonna. And although their goals differ slightly from Carter’s, they’re all in it for a similar reason.

“I want to make money for Kanye West,” West is quoted as saying.

“I intend to make more millions for my brand,” Rihanna stated.

“Madonna needs more money. Madonna will get more money,” said Madonna.

Fans of the artists have announced that they are ready and willing to give their money to their favorite celebrities.

“I love giving money to Beyonce,” said fan Halle Coozen. “I’m always looking for new ways to do so, and this is just perfect. Just perfect!”

But cynics are criticizing Carter and company, saying that there are already enough ways to give them money, and Tidal will only detract from the integrity of those mediums.

“iTunes is a great way to pay artists and their labels,” said analyst Mansford Manfred. “I just think Tidal will mean that money that would be going through that channel will be channeled differently. It’s confusing for me. And I don’t want that to compromise my ability to pay the stars I love!”

Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW ZEALAND –

18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

Man at Party Actually Thinks His Story About Bad Restaurant Service is Interesting

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BUTTE, Idaho –

Local man Ed Vermeulen, 37, actually thinks the story he is telling about the bad service he got at a restaurant today is interesting. The bore is, in his deluded opinion, regaling friends at the same dinner party with information on how rude the waitress at Don Pedro’s was, that he was given goats cheese in his chicken salad instead of regular feta, and that their prices were disproportional to their customer care.

“He’s telling us about how he almost didn’t give a tip,” friend Roger Walter mumbled. “At least if he had carried through on that, there’d be something interesting about this anecdote.”

Vermeulen is oblivious to the fact that his hosts are looking nervously at their watches, trying to lead their faltering party in a different direction. He doesn’t even realize that they’ve already interrupted three times, in an attempt to move on to the next course and a new topic of conversation.

“For the amount of money they get paid – and yes, they get paid minimum wage which is more than they deserve – they really should put more effort into their work,” he is saying, drawing an attempt at an argument from one liberal friend, who is shushed by friends who will do anything not to let this story carry on any longer than it needs to. “I mean, Don Pedro’s is a respectable establishment, with a reputation to keep up.”

Acquaintances are nodding their heads, in the hope that he’ll stop talking if they don’t actively participate, but Vermeulen is continuing, saying, “It’s not the only place that’s in my bad books,” bringing audible groans around the table.