Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

One Direction Now One-Fifth Less Annoying As Zayn Malik Leaves Band

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Concertgoers in South Africa have confirmed that One Direction is one fifth less annoying following the departure of Zayn Malik from the band. Colloquially known as 1D, the four remaining members played at the Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg on Saturday and Sunday night. Among the screaming 12-14 year olds, there were inevitably parents chaperoning, and those who went just for the hell of it.

“I expected a whole other level of annoyingness,” said one pleasantly surprised parent. “They were exactly one fifth less irritating than what I’d been promised. I did the calculations.”

The reports weren’t all positive. Interviewees agreed that the band was, nonetheless, fucking aggravating.

“At one point, one of the members – Liam I think it was – ran off the stage with puffy eyes,” said Chris Hi, who was not quite sure why he was there. “We all thought he was emotional about Zayn’s departure. Turns out the douche had accidentally hit himself in the eye with his microphone, which he’d been coolly flipping around throughout.”

Other ways that the young superstars managed to piss off adult South Africans, included making constant references to Nelson Mandela, sometimes even crowbarring his names into their songs.

“‘You don’t know you’re our role model, and that’s what makes you Nelson Mandela,’ was just one terrible line,” said Ronnie Manson. “They also replaced the name Cecilia with Madiba [an affectionate name used by South Africans to refer to their late president] in reference to the heartbreak caused by his death.”

Young fans, however, professed to being disappointed by the low level of annoyingness exhibited by the now four member band.

“There’s only four hairstyles to talk about!” complained Lisa Garber, 13. “And Zayn was so dreamy – his doe eyes would have irritated the hell out of my dad.”

In an effort to enhance their frustrating stage presence, they did a tribute to Zayn Malik towards the end of the concert. All members of the four piece cried as if someone had died, and waved candles like a bunch of imbeciles.

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”

American Airlines Annoyed That the Media Loves Plane Crashes

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CINCINATTI, Ohio –

American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.

“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”

Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.

“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”

But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”

According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.

Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

It’s been 3 days since Trevor Noah was announced as the new host of The Daily Show, and already he is in hot water. The relative newcomer to the international comedy scene has come under fire for potentially offensive comments he’s made on Twitter in the past, and now the families of the victims of his tweets are making their voices heard. In particular, a comment he made about Israel, that has been called anti-Semitic.

In June 2010, he wrote, “South Africans know how to recycle like israel [sic] knows how to be peaceful.”

The remark reportedly led to 12 deaths and 33 injuries, directly related to taking offense. A representative of the survivors and the victims’ families gave a brief press conference in which he announced their intention to pursue a class action lawsuit against the South African funnyman.

“The offended parties have expressed their disappointment in Comedy Central’s decision to employ a known offender,” Adv. Richard Goldman stated. “Not only is he a polarizing figure, Noah has shown that he is unrepentant by continuing to say things which may be deemed offensive by my clients.”

Sally Bernstein, who lost an arm due to another of the comedian’s Twitter controversies, says she will fight till the end, tooth and nail.

“Noah cannot get away with this,” she wrote on her blog, itakeoffense.com. “The world has already shown its prejudices against the Jewish state, by not taking him to the International Criminal Court. Now he is being glorified!”

But not all Jewish and Zionist organizations are in agreement with the reactionary storm. Josh Tucker, of Herzl High School in Johannesburg, stood up for the underfire personality.

“He came to our school,” said Tucker. “The Department of Informal Jewish Education (DIJE) invited him. He made Jewish jokes and we all laughed. Seriously, anyone who dies from a vaguely offensive tweet is purposely being killed off by evolution.”

‘Plenty Of People Are Not Going To Run For President’ Says FOX News

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

FOX News are reporting that plenty of people are not going to run for president in 2016. The startling analysis comes amid speculation of who will next announce their intention to run, with Ted Cruz the first of many hopeless candidates to kickstart his campaign. With Cruz proving that Republican primaries are inclusive of even the unlikeliest politicians, droves of senators, governors, and laymen are thought to be planning their next moves.

“Sources indicate that there are still going to be thousands, if not millions, of Americans not running for president,” said Bill O’Reilly, host of his eponymous show. “This is indeed surprising, as the list of individuals who won’t be running includes some shocks. For example, Governor Pence of Indiana won’t be campaigning, and neither will my friend Richard from down the road.”

Critics of FOX News have, however, dismissed their reports as “nothing more than hopeful speculations.” Jon Stewart in particular was vocal in his criticism.

“Come on Bill, who do you think you’re kidding?” he ranted on The Daily Show. “How about you? Will you be running for president? I think it’s telling that you kept this information hidden, when it has direct bearing on your story. This is more mindless fear-mongering.”

Henry Goldstein, a conservative Jewish commentator, hit back at Stewart, saying that “he has no idea what he’s talking about. All this rhetoric, when really FOX News is the only network reporting the truth. I’m gonna be candid, and add my name to the list of those not running for president. Jon ‘Stewart’ has forgotten his conservative Jewish heritage.”

Other analysts were underwhelmed by the reports. CNN’s John Dreyer acknowledged the possible veracity of FOX’s exclusive, but speculated that it will have no bearing on the political outlook of the country.

“When it comes down to it, it will be between Jeb [Bush] and Hillary [Clinton]. This stands true whether the whole country runs for president, or only most of it.”

Hollywood Looking For More True Stories to Fit Existing Scripts

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Big players in Hollywood are reportedly scouring the country for true stories which they can fit to the plots of scripts they have approved for production. Hundreds of movies have been stalled in the pipeline by the lax scouting that has characterised the industry of late, leading to many movies losing that powerful inspiration that “based on a true story” movies have.

“A lot of films have lost out because we haven’t put enough effort into this,” said Paul Matfield, a director contracted to Warner Brothers Studios. “I heard that Focus, in particular, was meant to be based around real life conmen, but in the end they didn’t have time to find someone in jail or someone reformed who was charismatic enough for his Wikipedia page to fit the bill.”

According to industry insiders, plots waiting for real people include James Bond style secret agent films, tear-jerking dramas about mothers who lost a child, heroic animals who saved their human masters in extreme conditions, and sports stories about a team that won against all the odds.

“They don’t have to be exact, we just need people, groups and tragedies which have similar superficial details that your average man won’t look past. It was particularly tragic that they had no one to base Birdman on. Also, Cake could surely have found a crash victim to fit to Jennifer Aniston’s character.”

A source from one big studio, revealed that recent events will, indeed, give inspiration to many when matched with a plot.

“That Germanwings crash that just happened goes really well with a tragic drama about a suicidal pilot that we’ve had for over a decade. Israel’s Gaza war in 2014 already has many long awaited political dramas in the works. Now we’re just waiting for a major terror attack in a Western nation, that will lead directly to some sure crowd favorites and award winners.”

Champion Gamer Claims Going Outside is ‘Overrated’

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

2014 Call Of Duty (CoD) champion, 32-year-old Gary Greenberg, told interviewers that “going outside, above-ground, is overrated.” According to his own admission, the gamer has not left his mom’s basement since winning the previous tournament, and he only plans to emerge for the 2015 champs. Jane Dough was the brave journalist to enter the aging manchild’s lair.

“I’ve spent some time out there, and it has nothing on my bunker,” he said, alluding to the term he has given the dingy room in which he eats, sleeps, and neglects to shower. “Over here, I’ve got my friends constantly connected via headset, so that I can shout insults at them without the fear of ever meeting them, and I can practice for the next big event in my life.”

Dough asked Greenberg if he has had an interest in love, or even just casual sex.

“Of course I do. Every man has that – especially frustrated unhygienic men like me. But is it worth living in that horrid world of light, ambition, and abject failure? Certainly not.”

Greenberg was asked to describe his favorite aspects of his so-called bunker.

“It’s always warm in here, summer or winter. I don’t have to see anyone, and when people come down here they can’t see me because their eyes never adjust all the way to the dimness. Mostly, though, it’s not above-ground, that overrated shitty world which is home to the vast majority of assholes and jerks.”

Greenberg went on to explain why the CoD tournament was such a big event in his life, considering he had to go into the outside world to participate.

“I want my life to be an example to the youth out there – that they don’t have to settle for their lives. They can be just like me, and have a very successful career.”

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live ‘Normal Lives’ As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Britney Spears made entertainment news recently by going back to school – enrolling in math classes so that she would be able to help her sons with their difficult homework. She told E! Entertainment that all she wants is for her sons to lead the lives of regular boys who are children of a multimillionaire celebrity.

“It’s so important to me that their lives are no different to other kids their ages,” she said, “who have parents of major stardom. That’s why I’m ensuring that they get in the news for doing math homework. I heard Angelina [Jolie]’s kids are learning about the Civil War, and I didn’t want my boys to feel left out.”

The 33-year-old singer has two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline – Sean,9, and Jayden James, 8. The brothers have been in the spotlight since before birth. It is expected that they grow into troubled teenagers, like many of their friends from celebrity families.

“Sean already feels a little let down by me I think,” said Spears. “He hasn’t had the amount of publicity that other children are getting, and that’s my fault. And perhaps I haven’t had enough issues lately, which would have made me self-involved and neglectful, like any good celebrity mother.”

Jayden, however, has led a life like other famous-by-association boys of his age, and Britney is not worried about his prospects in the public eye.

“He has followers on Twitter, I posted pics of him being breastfed and taking baths, I did all that stuff so he would fit in. The paparazzi know everything about him and make his life as claustrophobic as should be expected for the son of an award-winning artist.”

Kevin Federline, the boys’ father and Spears’ ex-husband, acknowledged that Britney is doing a good job raising their children.

“I approve of how she’s handled it. They’re going to rival the best of the celebrity kids.”

Gay High School Kid Can’t Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JONESVILLE, Indiana –

Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.

“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”

Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.

“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”

He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.

“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”

But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.

“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”