Champion Gamer Claims Going Outside is ‘Overrated’

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Gamer Claims 'Going Outside' is Overrated

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana – 

2014 Call Of Duty (CoD) champion, 32-year-old Gary Greenberg, told interviewers that “going outside, above-ground, is overrated.” According to his own admission, the gamer has not left his mom’s basement since winning the previous tournament, and he only plans to emerge for the 2015 champs. Jane Dough was the brave journalist to enter the aging manchild’s lair.

“I’ve spent some time out there, and it has nothing on my bunker,” he said, alluding to the term he has given the dingy room in which he eats, sleeps, and neglects to shower. “Over here, I’ve got my friends constantly connected via headset, so that I can shout insults at them without the fear of ever meeting them, and I can practice for the next big event in my life.”

Dough asked Greenberg if he has had an interest in love, or even just casual sex.

“Of course I do. Every man has that – especially frustrated unhygienic men like me. But is it worth living in that horrid world of light, ambition, and abject failure? Certainly not.”

Greenberg was asked to describe his favorite aspects of his so-called bunker.

“It’s always warm in here, summer or winter. I don’t have to see anyone, and when people come down here they can’t see me because their eyes never adjust all the way to the dimness. Mostly, though, it’s not above-ground, that overrated shitty world which is home to the vast majority of assholes and jerks.”

Greenberg went on to explain why the CoD tournament was such a big event in his life, considering he had to go into the outside world to participate.

“I want my life to be an example to the youth out there – that they don’t have to settle for their lives. They can be just like me, and have a very successful career.”

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