Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

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Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live ‘Normal Lives’ As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live 'Normal Lives' As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Britney Spears made entertainment news recently by going back to school – enrolling in math classes so that she would be able to help her sons with their difficult homework. She told E! Entertainment that all she wants is for her sons to lead the lives of regular boys who are children of a multimillionaire celebrity.

“It’s so important to me that their lives are no different to other kids their ages,” she said, “who have parents of major stardom. That’s why I’m ensuring that they get in the news for doing math homework. I heard Angelina [Jolie]’s kids are learning about the Civil War, and I didn’t want my boys to feel left out.”

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The 33-year-old singer has two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline – Sean,9, and Jayden James, 8. The brothers have been in the spotlight since before birth. It is expected that they grow into troubled teenagers, like many of their friends from celebrity families.

“Sean already feels a little let down by me I think,” said Spears. “He hasn’t had the amount of publicity that other children are getting, and that’s my fault. And perhaps I haven’t had enough issues lately, which would have made me self-involved and neglectful, like any good celebrity mother.”

Jayden, however, has led a life like other famous-by-association boys of his age, and Britney is not worried about his prospects in the public eye.

“He has followers on Twitter, I posted pics of him being breastfed and taking baths, I did all that stuff so he would fit in. The paparazzi know everything about him and make his life as claustrophobic as should be expected for the son of an award-winning artist.”

Kevin Federline, the boys’ father and Spears’ ex-husband, acknowledged that Britney is doing a good job raising their children.

“I approve of how she’s handled it. They’re going to rival the best of the celebrity kids.”

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