Cadbury Accused of ‘Crapping All Over’ Easter


LONDON, England –

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate

Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate


Did the Easter weekend allow you to spend time with your families, relax, and enjoy life for once? If so, you’re in good company. Bunnies around the world celebrated the rare opportunity to enjoy a healthy meal of chocolate eggs, while glowing in the glory of the one time of the year that they have prominence. The tradition of the Easter Bunny is long-running, and is connected to their love of chocolate, and their abstinence through the rest of the year.

The New Testament states that, “One weekend a year, the bunnies shall inherit the earth.” However, a caveat states that they have the responsibility to, “deliver chocolate eggs to all, and eat chocolate only in that period of the cycle of the sun (Matthew 3:15).”

“Easter is always very special to us,” head of the bunnies, Hopper McJumpstein told reporters. “Most of the year we’re derided as something for dogs to chase; our feet are cut off by people for superstitious good luck; little children buy us and immediately stop feeding us and cry when we run away. But on Easter, no one is more important than the rabbits. Well okay, Jesus Christ is pretty important… But aside from him.”

Pope Francis greeted bunnies visiting the Vatican with enthusiasm, and a smile wider than that he usually portrays.

“I’m a big fan of Bugs Bunny,” he announced to a cheering crowd. “These rabbits will be protected by the Vatican. That is a promise for all time.”

Producers of chocolate also rejoiced, adding that they too are derided as unhealthy for humans and animals alike, but this time of the year they get to play a part in religious destiny.

“Our ancestor, Willy Wonka, is surely looking down on us with grace and joy,” Nestle announced. “We know that he is proud of what we’ve done, and the impact we have on the spiritual world. Without us, chocolates and bunnies would experience only persecution. What we have done is make the humble into happy beings.”

Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Lorde to Drop the 'E' and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior


18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

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