Delta Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Large, ‘Phablet’ Phones

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Delta Airlines has announced that from the beginning of April, large “phablet” smartphones will have to be checked in with luggage. This will mean that owners of iPhone 6+ and Samsung Galaxy Notes will have to forego the offline capabilities that their phones offer, which are especially useful on flights.

Delta CEO, Richard H Anderson, explained the reasons for the drastic measure.

“Smartphones are simply getting too big,” he told a press conference. “If we don’t start implementing restrictions now, it will soon be too late, and even more damage will be caused to the unrealistic expectations our passengers already have.”

Another reason, given by security expert John Penn, is that these phablets may have capabilities which could be a risk factor to other passengers.

“They’re perfect for terrorism,” Penn said. “They’re big, so therefore you can fit a lot of information on them. Maybe you could even hide a knife, or explosives, inside the device. Yup, big means more things,” he continued, in response to a challenge as to his previous assertion. “We all know that’s why desktop computers can have more data, and iPads can hold more than iPhones. That’s how it works, and nothing you say can change my opinion.”

Many frequent flyers of Delta Airlines have been left fuming at the company’s decision.

“They can’t do this to us!” said Paul Herrera. “I need my iPhone on a flight. How else am I going to watch YouTube clips of cute babies, and read blogs telling me how to be a better person. I’ll never be a better person!”

Some, however, are pleased about the new regulations.

“Ugh, I hate phablets on airplanes,” Todd Toddster told us. “People always walk through the aisles, carrying them on their backs, knocking into other passengers left right and center. And then they squeeze into a seat next to you, with that f***ing device poking you in the eye, and not allowing you to sleep. They’re worse than crying babies.”

Crying babies are reportedly the next item that, in the future, will need to be checked when flying.

Apple Rolls Out New ‘Adult’ Emojis In Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting With Real Photos

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In an apparent bid to stop teenage sexting, Apple plans on rolling out a new range of raunchy emojis, displaying various sex acts. The move comes after a scandal at an elementary school in Wisconsin, where nude photos of school goers landed up on Facebook, sparking shame and outcry.

“It’s for the safety of the kids. As adults we know how dangerous it is for us to make compromising pictures available, but children don’t realize it could come back to haunt them,” said one Apple executive. “Since promoting abstinence has not made a significant difference, we’re now implementing new ways of practicing safe sexting.”

In order to make the range as relevant as possible, the new emojis will feature, in addition to a huge variety of homo- and heterosexual acts, genitalia of three different sizes – small, medium and large.

“We want them to be personal,” said project manager, Brian McAlly. “A boy with a small penis, sending to a girl with a large vagina, cannot be sending a picture of a large member penetrating a tight hole. That won’t do for him – he wants the girl to see as accurate a representation of his junk as possible, and visualize her orifice as realistically as possible.”

Parents have been unanimous in their support of the move. At a recent PTA meeting at a school in New York, parental rep Molly Gingrich announced the group’s satisfaction at the development.

“When I saw Jimmy’s penis on my Anna’s phone, I got the shock of my life,” she said to shouts of agreement. “He has a hideous dick, which subsequently ended up on Tumblr. And I worried that my daughter’s ugly vagina might share the same fate. It might ruin her chances of having the busy sex life I know she doesn’t deserve.”

The teaching body, however, disagreed.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,” principal John Skinner pronounced. “Sexting is part of regular teenage behavior. It should not be reduced into tiny representations of dirty coitus. My colleagues and I often keep tabs on the images that are making the rounds, and have seen nothing wrong in them. If anything, our students do a good job at photographing their junk from the most flattering angle possible.”

At press time, parents were browsing some of the teachers’ favorites, and had agreed that actually, they can be proud of the publicity of their children’s’ genitals.

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User’s Brain

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Since CEO Tim Cook took on leadership roles at the company, fans of Apple have been underwhelmed by their new releases and updates. Critics constantly point out that little has changed in the smartphone market since the iPhone 4, and the Macbook has remained at the level of “just good.”

“Steve Jobs used to take flawless devices and make them better,” tech blogger, Robert Hobbes wrote. “But since 2011, we’ve been bored with gadgets that offer everything we could have wished for and more – will the next unimaginable novelty ever be released?”

Current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, answered that question today with a resounding yes. Cook was always going to have a hard time following the Jobs era, but his stock hit an embarrassing low after his cringeworthy excitement at the launch of the rather milquetoast Apple Watch. Now, however, he has come up with the next piece of technology to change the world.

“I have created the first screenless laptop!” he announced, the maniacal gleam in his eyes rivalling his predecessors greatest moments. The crowd roared in unison. “The public will never have to stare at a screen again. With the release of the Macbook ThinAir, the way we look at technology – or rather the way we don’t look at technology – will change forever.”

Apple’s website explained exactly how the product will work.

“The most advanced screenless technology to date is here,” it read. “The new Macbook ThinAir – named for the feature that the screen is made entirely of air which has been chemically depleted to be as lightweight as possible – will project the image straight from the processor into the user’s brain. The advantages of this new technology are far reaching. The average citizen will never have to use his or her eyes again. Instead, the Macbook will project visuals of the 360 surroundings of the individual, on which the content of the processor will be overlayed. Sounds and scents will be transmitted in the same way, making three of the five human senses superfluous.”

The Macbook ThinAir looks very much like the current Macbooks, except the screen area is just solid metal. In place of the standard webcam is the sensor that will input images directly into the brain of the user. ThinAir is expected to launch by the end of the year, with a price of $5000. A mouse will be available for purchase for $3000. A constant supply of $500 batteries will also reportedly be needed to retain clear eyesight, hearing and smell. Batteries, like all Apple products, will be aesthetically pleasing, available only from Apple, and will only ever be sold in single packs, with no discounts for bulk quantities.

Apple Founder Steve Jobs Found Alive, Hiding Out In Jamaica

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

RIO BUENO, Jamaica –

A set of tourists were shocked to see a man who looked suspiciously like one of their idols on the beaches of Rio Bueno, Jamaica. Jake Nestar and Stacey Kenely, who are self-proclaimed Apple fanatics, were enjoying the sun and sand of Jamaica when they noticed a man who looked suspiciously like Apple Founder Steve Jobs. On further investigation, the two realized it was, in fact, the long-thought dead Jobs, and celebrated with such gusto that they blew the entrepreneur’s cover.

“We were just so excited to see the man who changed our lives so much,” said Nester. “I was like, ‘Babe, is that him?’ and she was all ‘Jake, you’re high.’ But I was pretty sure. Then she started looking up pictures of him on her iPad. Then she was all ‘OMG, Babe, that’s him.’ He was the dude.”

According to onlookers, Nester then ran up to Jobs, bragging about his new Apple products. The outburst caught the attention of some other tourists. Quickly, a mob formed around Jobs, and within minutes, news reporters were on the scene.

With his cover blown, Jobs had no choice but to speak on the matter.

“I was simply trying to enjoy my life,” the marketing genius said. “I had come to the beach thinking it was low season for tourists. I didn’t think anyone would recognize me.”

Jobs then explained his reason for the faked death. “I was under so much stress the last decade. I knew the only way people would stop constantly hassling me for ideas was if they thought I was dead. Do you have any idea how nice it is to not own personal electronic products? I’ve been free ever since the world stopped bothering me.”

The Apple founder did seem to have a relaxed and calm demeanor when speaking to reporters. The Island lifestyle did seem to agree with his new want in life.

“Nobody cares who I am down here. Nobody wants to bother me about what the new innovation or strategy will be. They just enjoy sitting and chatting, smoking weed or drinking rum. We all go down to the weekly Tupac and Biggie concerts and enjoy life without computers, cell phones, pads, pods, and other devices that suck the life out of you.”

When asked if he had any remorse about unveiling Job’s secret, Nester replied, “Did he say Tupac and Biggie concerts?”

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma –

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

Posted on August 8, 2014 by mike the inkman

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A top Apple programmer sent ripples through the mobile community with the revelation that he has been copying code from a three-year-old version of the Android operating system. Manish Karmic, a twenty eight-year-old developer who has worked for Apple for the past six years, was overheard bragging about his coding ‘ace in the hole’ at a company function by a guest and a member of the media.

Cheryl Smart, a tech blogger for Wired Magazine, was able to capture part of the conversation on her iPhone 5s.

“Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit,” She wrote in her personal blog. “I mean, I just paid eight hundred dollars for this phone because it is trendy, and it ‘just works’, and here is one of the guys who designed it laughing about how he copied obsolete technology from another operating system and passed it off as innovation. Now they are adding more recycled features, like Near Field Communications, and offering different screen sizes, two more things Android has been doing for years.”

Smart claims that she heard Karmic admit to literally copying and pasting thousands of lines of code from a Samsung Galaxy SIII, a phone that the Android community has largely forgotten about.

“And then Apple has the audacity to sue over common sense features like ‘pinch to zoom’ and the general shape of a phone,” Her rant continued.

iPhone users everywhere are jumping to the defense of their favorite device, even after hearing the recording that Smart has uploaded to her blog. They didn’t hesitate to let her know all about it in her comments section.

“Big screens used to be like, so stupid, but they make like, total sense to me now,” stated one guest poster. “And I didn’t get the whole pay-with-your-phone thing before, but now it is like, a total necessity for me.”

“They [Google] think that just because they had something first that it makes them better,” wrote another commenter. “Well, my iPhone is way better. I don’t care about the open source community or removable storage. My phone fits better into my skinny jeans.”

Android owners were quick to jump to the defense of their devices and ridicule the Apple supporters, making sure that none of them escaped unscathed.

“You guys are sheep,” read one retort by user CuddlyMuff. “If Apple released a rotary phone with a shorted-out cord, you’d all be raving about how steampunk it was and how the crackling from the cord shorting out actually improved the quality of your calls.”

One thing is certain, as long as Google keeps innovating, the iPhone is here to stay, thanks to the handy work of geeks like Manish Karmic, who have both a cool eye for copying code and a finger on the pulse of their customers.

“I could code something into iOS that should make them [iPhone users] hate the phone, but they won’t,” Manish can be heard saying on the recording. “I could code in something that would drain their bank accounts, and they would just talk about how much better their lives were with no money. They’ll buy anything. So I just put in whatever, and go to the golf course.”