BREAKING: War With Iran Imminent; President Trump Reinstates Military Draft


Earlier this week, President Trump illegally ordered the assassination of a top military general in Iran, Qasem Soleimani, prompting Iran to promise a swift revenge. In the imminent face of war with a powerful military in Iran, President Trump reinstated the United States draft, last used during the Vietnam Conflict.

“There are a lot of incredible, selfless American men and women who have been serving in the armed forces, some for many years, some still in basic training,” stated President Trump early this morning from the Oval Office. “These people, they need help. They need a lot of really, really big help, and we need to make sure they receive it. Reinstating the United States draft process is the easiest, and most logical answer.”

The draft process, which chooses young, American men at random to enlist in the armed forces, is something most people thought they would never see used again, but military officials agree with Trump that it’s the most efficient way to quickly build our military forces in the face of danger.

“When you anger another country by committing a blatant and completely illegal war crime, such as the case with our President’s attack in Iran, things heat up quickly, and action must be taken,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We are ready to have our young men suit up and join our military forces, and the reinstatement of the draft will help immensely.”

“It’s about time these lazy millennials do something with their life other than eat Tide pods and watch YouTube videos,” said MAGA-hat wearing, Trump voter Carl Richards, 42, from Atlanta. “They could use the direction, the discipline, and should want to fight to protect our country from foreign invasion. It’s what I would have done when I was their age. Not doing it now, of course. Got myself some really tender soles, and I can’t walk for too long before my feet really start to hurt. If it wasn’t for that, I’d be out there signing up to shoot me some towelheads or whoever it is this time.”

New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair

New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair


New US military rules mandate that only new recruits born without hair will be accepted into the defense force. This comes as an advancement on the long-running condition of all soldiers having their heads shaved on entry, which research has shown to be a positive measure of effectiveness. The move has raised concerns that recruitment rates will drop dramatically, with hundreds or even thousands of applicants being rejected.

“It’s going to tear our military to shreds,” said former General Robert Martins. “I know how important hairlessness is in fighting wars. Hell, only those without hair make it anyway in the army. But we still need the standard soldiers to fill the ranks, even if they’re not the most committed or efficient.”

Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has moved swiftly to calm fears, announcing that proactive steps will be taken to ensure that military numbers are not affected by the latest rulings.

“There are still kinks to be fine-tuned,” he said in an address to congress. “We’ve found that one hairless soldier is as effective as five soldiers who come in with hair. As such, numbers are not an issue. Furthermore, other regulations, set to be implemented from March, will reinstate the draft for every individual born without hair. Upon birth, babies will have their status noted, and all those who meet the standards of hairlessness – which include certain babies who have one hair or less – will automatically drafted when they reach the age of eighteen.”

Immediately after Hagel’s address was televised, groups protesting the reinstatement of the draft made their voices heard, saying they wouldn’t back down until the new regulations were withdrawn completely.

“It’s going to create all kinds of problems,” said the new leader of People Against Hairless Drafting (PAHD) Jessica Stein. “Instead of worrying about their babies’ health, parents will be concerned only with how much hair they have. You’ll get corrupt doctors inserting hair implants into newborns’ heads. It’ll tear the nation in half, and it won’t be pretty – especially when newborns have hideous strands of someone else’s ass hair disfiguring their pretty little heads.”

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