NEW YORK CITY, NY –
President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press.
Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries.
“It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998,” said Chief Brann. “Mr. Trump is alleged to have killed the victim in a hit-and-run accident, for which he had never been charged. That changes today.”
Lawyers for President Trump say that the charges are “absolutely ridiculous” and “totally absurd.”
“There is no way that he was driving through the streets of New York and killed someone,” said Richard Moorehouse, a private attorney retained by the president. “President Trump cannot drive. The guy can barely navigate a golf course in a golf cart, you think he has ever learned to drive an actual car? He’s a total moron. Nobody would let him behind the wheel. If this accident occurred as they say, then we attest that Mr. Trump had a driver at the time, and he is not guilty of anything.”
“I’ve heard of people pleading insanity, but I’ve never heard of anyone pleading total idiocy to get out of a crime before,” said Chief Brann. “I am intrigued to see how this plays out. Either way, this gives everyone a break from Trump’s stupid goddamn tweets for a few hours.”