Retirement Home Shut Down After FBI Raid Over Underground Fight Club

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CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia – 

A retirement home in Virginia was busted by the FBI, and 7 people were arrested after authorities were tipped off that the home was running and underground fight club in their recreation room after hours.

According to federal agents, the home was requiring residents to partake in the fights in order to obtain necessities such as meals and medications. They would live-stream the fights online in a pay-per-view fashion. It is estimated that they took in over $125 million in the last 3 years running the illegal fights.

“The older the contestants, the more brutal things got,” said FBI Agent Roger Kramer. “They were desperate for their meds, so they’d use weapons – chairs, walkers, canes – whatever they had.”

Two owners of the retirement community, as well as two employees and three residents were arrested and implicated in the scheme. Currently, they each face a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.

Mother Arrested After Accidentally Tickling Her 3-Year-Old To Death

ATLANTA, GA – 

It’s a warning being sent out to parents across the country after a 3 year old Florida girl loses her life. Intense tickling of children under the age of 7 may cause asphyxiation which commonly leads to death. Trina Williams, 28, allegedly learned this the hard way and is now facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the death of her toddler.

Via Now8News:

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Williams said it was an innocent case of “the tickle game” that she played with her daughter ever since she was two months old. “Me and Tati love to play this game, we do it every night…. well, we did,” Williams told police, very straight faced, calm and collective. “I don’t know, then she just stopped moving, she was laughing hard and then went silent. I don’t know what went wrong. But I still have 6 other kids so we cool. I’ll miss her, but I guess it was just her fate.”

However, police are quite buying Williams story about what happened during her “innocent” tickle game. “Just by her statement she gave about what happened, I don’t believe her,” said chief of police Gerald Watson. “The toddler had bruises all over her body, and were still waiting for the autopsy report. This mom claims they were tickling bruises…yeah right. Either way, she killed her daughter and she has this ‘I don’t care because I have more kids’ attitude and it’s really disgusting.

400+ Pound Woman Arrested After She Smothers Skinny Boyfriend During Sex

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

A morbidly obese woman, who police are calling “one of the fattest” they’ve ever had in custody, was arrested on Friday after she smothered her boyfriend during a sex act.

Police reports claim that “Mary” (name changed to protect identity), 28, who weighs a staggering 423 pounds, was arrested after her boyfriend (“Joe”) was found dead her bedroom. Police say Mary called them after she smothered Joe to death during a “69.”

“He wanted me to go down on him, which is totally fine, but if he’s gonna get some, so am I,” said Mary. “In retrospect, it probably should have been at separate times. I got on top of him and we both started going to town. A few minutes later, when I was done, I realized he’d gone pretty limp, and I turned around and he was completely blue in the face.”

Although Mary says it was an accidental death, police took her into custody, saying that there’s “no way” Mary wouldn’t have known that her 423 pound form wasn’t going to completely cut off Joe’s air supply once she was sitting on her chest and covering his entire face with her massive girl-mound.

“We have reason to believe that this was not an accident, and we are looking at all angles,” said Police Chief Mario Cutler. “We learned that Joe had recently taken out a large life insurance policy, and Mary has been trying to save for liposuction for many years. She was the sole beneficiary on Joe’s policy. We suspect foul play. Very, very foul.”

Man Born With Type 1 Diabetes Purposely Gains 300 Pounds To Contract Type 2, ‘Even Himself Out’

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Todd Riley, 31, was diagnosed with type 1, or “juvenille” diabetes when he was 3 years old, and has always had to make sure to carry an insulin pump or a candy bar with him wherever he goes. That is, until last year, when Riley began his journey to purposely contract type 2 diabetes.

“It’s pretty simple, really,” said Riley, a former construction worker. “I have type 1 diabetes, and my blood sugar was always dangerously low. If I gain a bunch of weight and become a type 2 diabetic, my blood sugar will skyrocket, basically making me normal.”

Doctors have cautioned Riley that it “doesn’t work that way,” but Riley has said that he thinks doctors are just trying to keep him skinny so that they can continue medicating him.

“I pay thousands of dollars for my medication, and I’ve found a way to beat their system, and they’re terrified,” said Riley.

Riley, who was always very skinny most of his life, gained over 300 pounds since late 2016, and says that he has “happily” come closer to becoming a type 2 diabetic.

“I figure within the next couple of months, I will finally be able to control my diabetes naturally,” said Riley. “It’s really a great feeling.”

World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Man Claims He Was Possessed By The Devil After Watching New Horror Movie

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CHARLESTON, North Carolina – 

A Charleston man, Joe Briggs, said that he became possessed by the Devil himself after watching a horror movie that was, coincidentally, about a violent exorcism.

Briggs, 30, saw the film, American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon at a local screening, and said the film was so jarring and sickening, that he left the theatre feeling physically ill.

“Several people had to leave the theatre during the show, and at least one person I saw passed out in their seat,” said Briggs. “I made it all the way through, but the movie was horrific, and I felt physically ill while watching it. Once it was over, I could barely move.”

Paramedics were called and transported Briggs to the hospital, where he was kept in intensive care for several days. Doctors who examined him could not figure out why he was having such a violent, physical reaction to a movie.

“The patient began to exhibit signs of a definite surreal, ‘not of this world’ sort of nature,” said Dr. Charles Lee Ray, who attended for Briggs. “After a couple of days, he began to develop sores, sweats, and was bleeding through his pores. One evening, he punched a nurse in the face, and she was knocked clear across the room, over 20 feet. Once he began speaking in ancient Aramaic, we called in a priest.”

Father Gary Lorde was brought in and confirmed demonic possession, and spent 4 days performing an exorcism.

“We had to move Briggs from the hospital, as an exorcism is an extremely long, grueling, and terrifying thing to witness,” said Lorde. “He was brought to a local rectory for spiritual treatment. In the end, we were able to remove the demonic spirit from Briggs, but there’s no telling with this ordeal has done to his mortal soul.”

“I think I’m going to be okay,”said Briggs. “I’m looking forward to picking up the movie when it comes out on blu-ray.”

57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

Teen Dies After Letting Rabid Bat Bite Him, Thought He’d Turn Into a Vampire

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SAN DIEGO, California –

A teen has died from a rabies infection after police say he was trying to domesticate a wild bat. Reports indicate that the teen, Stanford Guterson, purposely allowed the rodent to bite him, with the intention of turning into a vampire.

From World News Daily Report:

The young teenager who was fascinated with the idea of becoming a vampire possibly got bitten or scratched by the animal in a “satanic ritual” according to family members and friends.

Guterson was allegedly the victim of bullying at school and believed he could reenact revenge upon his enemies through the process of acquiring supernatural powers by “turning into a vampire” said one of his close friends.

“He was really into the dark occult shit and hoped that if he got bit by or had sex with a bat it might help him become a vampire,” his best friend Malcolm Jackson told reporters.

According to Jackson, [Guterson] also frequently drank blood from his 56-year-old unemployed girlfriend who did not respond to media requests for an interview and was not available for comments.

Police say that, despite initial rumors, there is no new internet “bat bite challenge,” and they believe that this is an isolated incident from an isolated loser.

White College Prof. Tries To Prove There’s No Racial Bias By Police, Undergoes Surgery To Look Black – He’s Instantly Shot and Arrested

black man

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.

According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.

“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”

Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.

Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”

New Husband Files For Divorce After Discovering His ‘Wife’ Is Actually a Man

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.

Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.

The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”

“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”

Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.

Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.

 

“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the  judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”

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