CONCORD, New Hampshire
On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.
NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”
On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.
“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”
Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.
DECATUR, Alabama –
A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.
“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”
The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.
“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”
The couple are planning a spring wedding.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Police in Boston arrested Martin Landon Jr., 33, after he was caught peeking into the third story window of an apartment building, reportedly watching a couple have sex, while he masturbated.
The authorities were called after the couple happened to look out their window and see Landon staring in at them.
“My first thought was ‘Oh my God, someone is staring at us!” said Joanne Lavey. “I thought it was my husband at first, and I was finally caught in the act. But it wasn’t, obviously. My second thought was, ‘How the hell is someone peeking at us? We’re on the third floor! By now my lover had also seen him, so the party was over, of course. He went limp immediately.'”
When police arrived, they found Landon with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand. They also happened to notice that the man had an overly long neck, and was only standing on a couple of discarded boxes in order to see in the third story window.
“Mr. Landon would be of average hight, possibly less, but because of his 3 foot tall neck, it really adds some height,” said police chief Richard Jameson. “In this situation, it caused a couple some massive distress. Frankly, I can’t blame them. If I were in the middle of a torrid affair, looking on my window and seeing Landon would be the last thing I’d want to happen.”
WATERTOWN, Connecticut –
Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.
“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”
A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.
“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”
So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.
CONCORD, New Hampshire –
A New Hampshire couple has been arrested after an anonymous tip lead police to find nearly 20,000 pounds of marijuana in the home.
Carl and Debbie Rutherberg, both 40, said that they had “no intention” of selling the weed, or transporting it, they say the simply buy a lot, and don’t use it very often.
“It’s for our glaucoma, and for our aches and pains,” said Carl Rutherberg. “We don’t sell it, we never have. We’re good, honest people, and this is a huge mistake.”
Ironically, the couple live in New Hampshire, sandwiched between other states, such as Massachusetts and Maine, where marijuana has been legalized – albeit not in this amount.
“If we had a couple plants, and lived an hour south, this would have been totally legal,” said Debbie. “Instead, we get a few hundred tons and are stuck in New Hampshire, and we’re in jail? Live Free or Die my ass.”
The couple face felony drug charges that would send them away for life.
An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.
The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.
“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”
The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.
“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”
WATERVILLE, Maine –
A haunted house in a small Maine town was shut down by police this past weekend after it was discovered that the proprietors were using real dead bodies as part of their displays.
Maureen and Carl Taylor have been running the haunted house for over 10 years, but this year guests say something “just wasn’t right.”
“I went through, and it smelled weird, which I thought was just those fog machines or something; they smell pretty bad sometimes,” said patron Mary Clarke. “But the further you went in, the worse it got, and then there were no fog machines. I walked right past what I thought was a prop body, but when I looked really closely, there were maggots coming out of the eye sockets. I nearly screamed!”
The Taylors say that they have “no idea” how the dead bodies got inside, as they have been using the same store-bought props for the last decade. Police are questioning the Taylors, as well as other locals who visited the house. They say there were no reported break-ins at the morgue, and the local cemetery does not have any freshly dug-up sites.
“It’s a real mystery, but these bodies just appeared out of nowhere,” said Police Chief Christopher Davis. “It’s really just disturbing. Last I checked, dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.”
Police say that the Taylors are not suspects in any sort of cadaver tampering, but that they will be charged with criminal neglect, among other charges, for letting unknowing people that close to processed dead bodies.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Rick Morris, head curator for the Smithsonian Museum, announced that their latest acquisition was from recently departed magazine magnate, Hugh Hefner – but this item is not a standard piece from his mansion or his offices.
The Smithsonian has acquired from Hefner’s estate his actual, severed penis, which was removed during autopsy and has been dipped and preserved in 24 karat gold.
“This is one of our biggest acquisitions as of late,” said Morris. “Both physically, and in purchase price. The emblazoned 9 inches cost us a record $2.9 million dollars.”
The money was paid to Hefner’s estate, and will reportedly be used to pay some outstanding legal fees and taxes, with the remaining being divided by his heirs.
The penis becomes part of the permanent display in Washington, D.C. on October 31st.
GREENSBURG, Iowa –
At around 2:30 a.m. on September 30th, Greensburg police received a phone call from a worried resident saying that she heard very concerning sounds coming from an alleyway near her house.
Officers who arrived on the scene say they found a twenty-something male dressed as a clown, eating a live cat whose legs were zip-tied together. The cat was still crying for help as the individual was seemingly eating around the vital spots, prolonging it’s death.
“When the individual noticed us approaching, he started petting the cat and said ‘curiosity killed the cat, I wanted to see if it tasted like Chinese food,'” said Officer Mark Hanlan, who was first on the scene. “He was non resistant during arrest, however he did not have identification, and when asked his name he only replied ‘Furball The Clown.'”
In the holding cell, police say the clown kept calling to a female officer, saying “here, kitty kitty,” and was trying bite the cell bars. He was transferred to a high security prison while awaiting trial, which is disturbingly scheduled for October 31st – Halloween day. Police were unable to determine the clown’s true identity.
CLEVELAND, Ohio –
The Ohio river is known for its vast selection of weird fish and creatures in the water. People have reported seen everything from small, fresh-water sharks to barracuda. It seems that you can now officially add alligators to that list.
On September 20th, Ben Shoemaker and his family were swimming in the Ohio river when they noticed something in the water.
“It was an abnormally hot and humid day so we decided to take a dip,” said Shoemaker. “At first I thought it was a log floating along the fiver. The sucker must have been at least 9ft long, he was huge.”
The same day, Cleveland local Lauri Dukes was picnicking in River Park when she spotted the behemoth ‘gator sunning on the park’s shore.
“The only weapon I had was a plastic butter knife from my lunch,” said Dukes, 38. “I was was using it to spread mayonnaise on a sandwich, but I realized this ‘gator was a threat to the community, so I killed it with a swift stab through the eye.”
The Ohio Parks Service noted that people should not approach dangerous animals when they see them, and that Duke is lucky that she wasn’t injured or killed.
“Oh, hogwash, total hogwash,” said Ms. Duke. “That thing wasn’t going to hurt me, but it could have hurt some young child or a family. No way, you have to act and act face when you see danger. Now my family will be receiving Gator skin boots for Christmas this year, too.”