Go Ask Allison: My Grandma Bought Me Fake Diamonds – What A B****!

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Dear Allison,
It was my 21st birthday a couple days ago. The ONLY thing I asked my Nana for was a pair of diamond earrings. I don’t know how I should feel because I found out they are cubic zirconium.  My stepmother pointed it out yesterday, and thinking about it, I cried on the way to work.  I don’t know if I should say something. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled brat, but it was the only thing I asked for. Should I mention it? I really want to say something.

-Faked Out

Dear Faked,
Aww, poor you. Too late, you already sound like a spoiled brat. 21? Nana is wise enough to know you’ll lose an earring during one of your many drunk night – most likely while you’re going down on a stranger with an STD who picked you up while you were blacked out at the bar. What are you, a rich bitch?  It’s time to grow up and realize Nana’s bank account doesn’t revolve around you. Whatever your job is, it isn’t hard enough.  You should try mining your own diamond for a bowl of gruel a day.
But then again, I’m not really the person to ask since my own mother would’ve slapped me if I had the balls to ask for diamonds.  Maybe you should buy yourself a bunch of booze and get the courage to call your Nana. I’m sure if you whine enough she’ll get you a much better present next year.


Dear Allison,

I am torn between my 16 year-old daughter, “Uniquea” and my bae, “Tyrone”.  My fiancé got me a stuffed monkey for my birthday a couple weeks ago.  Wellllllll…afterwards we got in a fight, and he wanted it back. I told him no, cuz he gave that to me.  Anyway, he comes over to get it, and we got in another altercation over it.  After we had it out, he apologized and started kissin’ up on me. My daughter screamed, she sick of him hustlin’ me and after kissin’ on me like it was a’ight. Then she took his Ray-Bans and ran in the other room. I screamed at her to give ‘em back, but she twisted them ‘till they was broke beyond repair. Tyrone insists Uniquea needa pay for them out of her hair/nail allowance, but I say Tyrone shouldn’t of been over here provokin’ in the first place. Should I side with my man or my daughter?

-Hassled at Home

Dear Hassled,
Your fiancé sounds like quite the catch.  I bet the moment you don’t put out, he demands you give him all those cheesy “I Luv You” Valentine’s teddy bears that line your headboard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what you do. You’re screwed.  You’re daughter’s screwed.  It doesn’t matter if Tyrone is in your life because you’re all cursed to live an ignorant, drama-filled existence, regardless.  Continue modeling that kind of behavior and just pray Uniquea’s first baby isn’t doesn’t end up with as God-awful a name as she did and that her baby-daddy actually pays child support.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published weekly exclusively by Empire News.

Go Ask Allison: I Think I Made A Mistake – Is He Really “The One?!”

DEAR ALLISON,

How do I know if the man I married is really “the one?” My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He does everything for me. He works three jobs so I can stay home and build my small business. He cooks, and cleans. He’s fantastic in bed. We are doing really well…but there is something that’s just missing. What if I made a mistake?

– CONCERNED in CALIFORNIA

Dear Concerned,

The man sounds like a saint. To be honest, I don’t think he probably is the one for you. If anything, he sounds like the one for me. After the string of losers I’ve been with, I could use a man who knows how to cook, how to clean, and how to do me right. Tell you what, Concerned – you let him go. If he comes back, then he’s “the one.” If you find him in my bed, then it looks like he was the one, but you’re too stupid to have known it. You’re living every woman’s dream, and you’re thinking it might have been a mistake? You must be a lesbian.


DEAR ALLISON,

For my 18th birthday my boyfriend got me a tattoo, but I didn’t tell my parents. I still live at home, and my Dad will FREAK OUT if he knows that I got “Chris Forever” tattooed on my thigh. How do I tell my parents that I got inked?

– TATTED in TALLAHASSE

Dear Tatted,

First off, the fact that you’re barely 18 and you got your boyfriend’s name tattooed on you already screams how dumb you are. There are people who have been married decades who don’t do stupid things like that. My suggestion would be to tell your parents as soon as possible, and hope they forgive you enough to help pay to have it lasered off. The only name you should put on your body is your child’s. Hell, you shouldn’t even put that. Get a damn flower or a heart like every other teenage idiot out there, and call it a day. Since I got this letter 2 weeks ago, I’d assume that Chris has already left you for some other bimbo. Now you get to spend the rest of your life dating only men named Chris, or else they’re going to go limp as soon as you take your pants off.

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DEAR ALLISON,

My mother is a die-hard Christian, and on more than one occasion has made it quite known to me, my family, and everyone else who will listen that she hates gay people, and thinks they are an abomination. I’m 23 now, and I’m afraid to come out of the closet for fear I will lose my mother’s love. What do I do?

-IN THE CLOSET in INDIANAPOLIS

Dear Closet,

Man up, my gay friend. If your mother is such a bigot that she would disown her child because of their sexual orientation, than you don’t need her! Find a new mom. Find a mate, and have their mom be your new mom! There are plenty of people out there who will accept you for who you are. It will probably be hard at first to tell your mother, but if she can’t handle it, then how is she going to handle when you find a mate? Get married? Adopt children? In my opinion, your mother needs to grow the hell up and deal. It’s 2014 for crying out loud. How much longer are we going to have to deal with these conservative bigots? Listen, you tell your mom that she’s going to have to accept you, or you smack that bitch in the face. No two ways about it. Good luck!

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

Go Ask Allison: My Mother-in-Law Tried To Sleep With My Father At My Wedding

DEAR ALLISON,

Sometimes I think my step-mother really holds me back from having any fun. If I ask her if it’s okay to go to movies with friends, she won’t let me unless I do something for her, like the dishes or mow the lawn or any number of other household chores. I am the only one that she makes do this – my two step-brothers and my step-sister get to go out and do whatever they want. Why does she make me do things but they never have to?

-CRYING in COLORADO

Dear Crying,

You don’t have to be such a crybaby, you know. Just do the damn dishes, and then you can go hang out with friends or go to the movies. Your step-mother is letting her kids do things without “paying her” for them because they are the fruit of her loins. Since you were ejected from some other woman’s lovehole, she’s more than likely making you pay for it. No step-mother has ever liked her step-children. Haven’t you ever seen Cinderella? Your best bet is to hurry up and turn 18, so you can tell her exactly where to go, and exactly how to get there.

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate it when people spoil the endings of my favorite TV shows or movies I haven’t seen on social media. Simple question, but how do I get people to stop talking about things before I see them?!

-UGH in UTAH

Dear Ugh,

First, let me congratulate you on coming up with the worst damn pseudonym that I’ve ever seen. “Ugh?” Oh God, you must be 12. Anyway, this might come as a surprise to you, but you could, you know, get the hell off the internet once in a while. You could also stop worrying about TV and movies getting spoiled for you, because they’re just entertainment, and if knowing who died on last night’s episode of Game of Thrones before you’ve had a chance to watch it is ruining your life, I think you’re going to have much, much bigger problems in life the older you get. Good luck in life, Ugh. You’re definitely going to need it.

DEAR ALLISON,

I got married last week, and my mother-in-law got completely hammered drunk at the wedding. Long story short, she ended up hitting on my still-very-married father. It made my mother extremely upset, and now my husband’s family and my family will have nothing to do with each other. What can I do to reconcile this whole ordeal?
-TOASTED in TULSA

Dear Toasted,

Who cares if your families can’t get along? Do they really have to have anything to do with each other? My husband hasn’t spoken to my side of the family since the wedding four years ago, and he’s never been happier. In case you didn’t know this, in-laws have never gotten along with their son or daughter’s significant other. Or you could play it the complete opposite way and try and get your parents divorced so you can hook up your father and mother-in-law. It could be one big, happy family. It’s really your call. Either way, people do stupid things when drunk. If your mother doesn’t know that, she must be a complete and total stick in the ass…or mud. Whatever floats your boat.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

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